Recovering Jerk

Have you heard of my friend, Sarah Bessey? She started a blog and wrote this really cool book called Jesus Feminist. I fell in love, joined her launch team for her second book, and read Out of Sorts. She's super cool - like, one of the very coolest. I feel most comfortable calling her my friend in relation to the authors of the other books I have launched. The other authors were totally accessible and kept in touch, but I feel like Sarah truly opened her life to us. Check her out at SarahBessey.com


Anyway, in Out of Sorts, Sarah calls herself a "recovering know-it-all." Dude, same (insert emoji of girl with her hand raised).


I'm a recovering a-lot-of-things. Aren't we all? Recovering know-it-all. Recovering drama-queen. Recovering anxiety-ridden-young-adult. But mostly: recovering jerk.


I had this plan in high school to be popular. El oh el life, I was not destined for popularity. I thought I could pursue it by being brazen. Google's definition of brazen is, "Bold and without shame." This could have been great if I channeled it in good areas. Instead, I did it all incorrectly for the worst reasons.


I am a recovering jerk.


This is a daily "dying of self" type of thing where I have to consciously make efforts not to be rude to people, not to make myself seem better than others, not to shut down emotions, not to hide transparency and look glossy and put together, not to be fake. Recovering jerk.


Somedays, I feel like I might be making improvements. Friends who know how to help are a huge support system right now.


Other days, I feel like I take 13 million steps backward and about 1/4 of a step forward. More like a shuffle but a big push back.


Imagine my shock on Saturday when a friend said I'm humble. Like, what?! I mean, I try to be humble, but it's not something that comes naturally or easily. It's hard work. #WeCanDoHardThings I feel like I'm constantly trying to be humble and not doing it correctly. I try to mimic the humility of my friends and learn how to apply it to my life.


I can only hope that I'm making actual progress toward this goal because my main way to function in life is to be not-humble.


Pride is kind of my game, but it's also  my shame.


Back to Sarah Bessey for a moment: She sent an email to her subscribers today about a Lenten devotional, and it looked cool, so I printed it. I started it tonight - as planned for Ash Wednesday - though I kept trying to fight it and push it off...and here I am writing about what I read. So, thanks to God and thanks to Sarah. #AllTheFeels


One of the scripture passages for the day comes from Psalm 32.


"Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be -
You get a fresh start,
Your slate's wiped clean.
Count yourself lucky -
God holds nothing against you
And you're holding nothing back from Him.
When I kept it inside,
My bones turned to powder,
My words became daylong groans.
The pressure never let up,
All the juices in my life dried up.
Then I let it all out;
I said, 'I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God.'
Suddenly, the pressure was gone -
My guilt dissolved,
My sin disappeared."
-Psalm 32:1-5 MSG


I am so happy. God gives me a new opportunity when I repent of my failures. God isn't mad at me. I used to be a jerk, but now I'm a recovering jerk, and it makes life so much better. Some problems go away. Unhealthy friendships have gone to the side. I live better. I love better. I am becoming better.


Thank you, God, for helping me in the road to recovery from being a jerk. I pray that humility will become my livelihood and self-righteousness never returns.