Procrastinating Values

I find it interesting that because I am so vehemently against one political candidate and yet so passionately for gender equality that it is assumed that I must be voting for a female candidate, particularly the one from the binary party selections.

Lol no.

I think the two party system is ridiculous (but I could be wrong). I think the electoral college is completely unnecessary (but I could be wrong). I think voting for either of the two main candidates will not make you lose your salvation. I think it's wickedly cool that we have so many third party candidates from which to choose and cast a vote.

Many people have asked for whom I intend to vote (as if my private decision is one that I must proclaim publicly). Honestly, I have no idea. I know we are three days from the election. I should know this, but I procrastinate at times.

Will I vote for one of the top two candidates? No. Am I wasting my vote by selecting a candidate who is lesser known? Absolutely not. Do I recognize that Illinois is a state that has such a long history of having a majority of votes cast to the presidential candidate from the democrat party, thus causing any non-democrat vote to be essentially useless (due to the aforementioned unnecessary electoral college)? Yes.

But, do I intend to continue to research for a candidate who most closely aligns to my values, my opinions, my consciousness, my convictions, and my Jesus? Completely.

Conviction

Isn't it neat how we are all convicted of different things?

For one friend, she is very much against withholding information from others because she feels like she is lying. For my family, they are against any alcohol consumption because they believe that even drinking in moderation at a legal age is harmful to the body and to witness. For some, they think that homosexuality is the biggest sin while others think it is premarital sex while still others think something else.

But really, sin is sin, and they are not weighted.

This election cycle is tough. We have more options than our binary system provides, but even for those who do or have or might support a third party candidate, we sadly know that it will be a binary candidate who wins.

We know that the decision on who to vote for is always difficult, but especially so this time. I personally see that we have one candidate who makes poor professional decisions but has the skills and the knowledge to lead our country. I personally see that we have another candidate who makes poor personal decisions and has not had previous experience in running the country.

So, before it is said again, "How could a Christian vote for candidate A, B, C, or D?!?" let's take a moment to think before making flippant comments on sensitive issues. Rather than isolating those with whom we disagree, we should acknowledge that we are making difficult decisions here. 

As Rachel Held Evans said, "[I have] never left a voting booth without feeling conflicted / reminded that I belong to a Kingdom, not a party."

Let us remember that.

Retiring #IDLP

My pastor, Tammy, is really cool. She's funny, encouraging, and committed to teaching Biblically-based truth. She is great at fostering a sense of community, and then actually being the community who we all need. It isn't difficult to talk to everyone in our church because we rarely top 50 people, but she is conscious about talking to everyone as regularly as she can.


After church today,
Tammy: Kirsten, you're sweet. Have you always been that way?
Me: Uh, not really. It's a daily struggle.
Tammy: Really? I don't see that.
Me: I have to make an effort to be kind to people. It's just hard.


We went on to talk about how I deal with mistakes my students make or how I handle situations while playing in our church band or leading a youth camp we are involved in. With teens, I don't mind to shake it off. They're young and figuring out who they are, and they need and deserve grace and love. With adults, it's so much harder to give mercy. With myself, it's the most difficult.


During my senior year of high school, a few friends and I came up with IDLP: I don't like people. When someone did something dumb, IDLP. When I would see a stupid thing on social media and send a screenshot to friends, IDLP. When Twitter became a thing and people annoyed me, #IDLP.


It became a habit. It became an excuse.


Not liking people allowed me to put up barriers that should not exist. While coming to realize that over the past six-ish months, I am learning to love people.


Being a part of book launch teams has helped me learn so much. I already knew that everyone is different and I could accept aspects of physical diversity, but relational and communicational diversity is more difficult for me.


I realized that I am changing. I want to be kind to my friends. I want to hide things on social media that prevent me from seeing the good in others and thinking the best of them. I want to be humble. I want to not get easily annoyed. I want to be like T-Swizzle and shake it off (sorry, I know I'm the only one who still says T-Swizzle, but Thug Story was the first Taylor Swift single to ~speak to me~).


Therefore, goodbye to #IDLP. I am taking a step forward.


"I am redeemed. You set me free.
So, I'll shake off these heavy chains,
Wipe away every stain.
I'm not who I used to be;
I am redeemed."
-Redeemed, Big Daddy Weave


I challenge you to love people, to accept differences, to live a life that is free and redeemed.

Recovering Jerk

Have you heard of my friend, Sarah Bessey? She started a blog and wrote this really cool book called Jesus Feminist. I fell in love, joined her launch team for her second book, and read Out of Sorts. She's super cool - like, one of the very coolest. I feel most comfortable calling her my friend in relation to the authors of the other books I have launched. The other authors were totally accessible and kept in touch, but I feel like Sarah truly opened her life to us. Check her out at SarahBessey.com


Anyway, in Out of Sorts, Sarah calls herself a "recovering know-it-all." Dude, same (insert emoji of girl with her hand raised).


I'm a recovering a-lot-of-things. Aren't we all? Recovering know-it-all. Recovering drama-queen. Recovering anxiety-ridden-young-adult. But mostly: recovering jerk.


I had this plan in high school to be popular. El oh el life, I was not destined for popularity. I thought I could pursue it by being brazen. Google's definition of brazen is, "Bold and without shame." This could have been great if I channeled it in good areas. Instead, I did it all incorrectly for the worst reasons.


I am a recovering jerk.


This is a daily "dying of self" type of thing where I have to consciously make efforts not to be rude to people, not to make myself seem better than others, not to shut down emotions, not to hide transparency and look glossy and put together, not to be fake. Recovering jerk.


Somedays, I feel like I might be making improvements. Friends who know how to help are a huge support system right now.


Other days, I feel like I take 13 million steps backward and about 1/4 of a step forward. More like a shuffle but a big push back.


Imagine my shock on Saturday when a friend said I'm humble. Like, what?! I mean, I try to be humble, but it's not something that comes naturally or easily. It's hard work. #WeCanDoHardThings I feel like I'm constantly trying to be humble and not doing it correctly. I try to mimic the humility of my friends and learn how to apply it to my life.


I can only hope that I'm making actual progress toward this goal because my main way to function in life is to be not-humble.


Pride is kind of my game, but it's also  my shame.


Back to Sarah Bessey for a moment: She sent an email to her subscribers today about a Lenten devotional, and it looked cool, so I printed it. I started it tonight - as planned for Ash Wednesday - though I kept trying to fight it and push it off...and here I am writing about what I read. So, thanks to God and thanks to Sarah. #AllTheFeels


One of the scripture passages for the day comes from Psalm 32.


"Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be -
You get a fresh start,
Your slate's wiped clean.
Count yourself lucky -
God holds nothing against you
And you're holding nothing back from Him.
When I kept it inside,
My bones turned to powder,
My words became daylong groans.
The pressure never let up,
All the juices in my life dried up.
Then I let it all out;
I said, 'I'll make a clean breast of my failures to God.'
Suddenly, the pressure was gone -
My guilt dissolved,
My sin disappeared."
-Psalm 32:1-5 MSG


I am so happy. God gives me a new opportunity when I repent of my failures. God isn't mad at me. I used to be a jerk, but now I'm a recovering jerk, and it makes life so much better. Some problems go away. Unhealthy friendships have gone to the side. I live better. I love better. I am becoming better.


Thank you, God, for helping me in the road to recovery from being a jerk. I pray that humility will become my livelihood and self-righteousness never returns.

2015 in Review

Ay, 2015. You're done.


In 2014, I used the hashtag #2014creativity to challenge myself to be as creative as possible throughout the year, and it worked splendidly. I read a lot of books, I taught myself how to play guitar, I played keys in my church band, I made wall art, and I took a lot of artsy risks which were fun and enjoyable.


In 2015, I began the year with the hashtag #2015happy. It was the complete opposite of 2014. Without a physical representation toward which to strive, I failed. The year was difficult with a lot of big choices and big decisions and big disappointments but also some of the biggest, best things I never could have imagined.


I made the choice to work three jobs: radio, high school clubs, and vehicle merchandise photography. It was hard, but I did it. Later, I made the choice to leave media behind when I was offered my first full-time position as a receptionist nearly two years after graduating with my BS. It is disappointing to rarely use the skills I studied and worked so hard to gain, but times have changed.


I made the choice to pursue graduate studies to become a high school English teacher. I looked at local universities and tried to make one fit, but the school that is proving to be right for me is Western Governors University. If all goes well, I will begin my online program in March or April after completing my two pre-requisite classes. I am choosing to work toward my future and better my life.


I made the choice to apply for the book launch team of For the Love by Jen Hatmaker. Literally life-changing. The book reached huge success, spawned #FTLbookclub in which I gained new friends, created the greatest online community in the history of life, and reminded me of why I love Jesus and how that love is best shared with the people in my daily life. Since then, I have been on launch teams for (in order of release date) Through Waters Deep by Erin Shafer, Momma Loves You by Katie Hook, Out of Sorts by Sarah Bessey, Breaking Busy by Alli Worthington, and Even If Not by Kaitlyn Bouchillon. These authors, their publishers, the launch team members, and those who have read the books have been quite impactful in my life during 2015 in the best way.


I made the choice to step up with more responsibilities with the Little Egypt Chrysalis community. We are a community that holds two camp weekends each year with 15 talks on spiritual growth to bring youth closer to Christ. We also hold monthly worship services and have a board of directors. I became the secretary of the board in February, and I was chosen in May as the lay director of the next Flight (aka leader for the camp weekend coming up this month). I think that I am the youngest lay director in our community which is equally terrifying and such an honor. I am nervous yet excited to experience the Flight and see how the community continues to work toward loving each other and loving God in 2016.


And now to the fun stuff with silly opinions and things like that...


Artist of the year: Taylor Swift. Man, if ever T-Swizzle has rocked the world, it is 2015, and I mean that literally.


Music video of the year: Bad Blood by Taylor Swift. Is there even any real competition there? Taylor's squad continues to grow with the coolest people joining all of the time. Shoutout to Idina Menzel for performing Let It Go on Halloween. I am jealous that I was not at that stop for the 1989 tour.


Song of the summer: Cheerleader by Omi. Legit, chill, fun, blast it with the windows down. Perfect summer song.


Musical theatre album of the year: Hamilton. Duh. It's sweeping Broadway like crazy and taking all of the attention away from everything else, but it deserves it. The soundtrack CD comes in two disks with 23 songs on each, so it's like a full musical in each act. I have listened to the hip-hop album multiple times, and I catch new things every time. High five, Lin-Manuel Miranda. You did it.


Music controversy of the year: Zayn left 1D. Broken-freaking-hearted.


Music controversy of the year honorable mention: Taylor Swift (see, she dominated 2015) took on Apple Music when they did not plan to pay artists while customers used the service for free. Taylor changed Apple Music's plans and showed that anyone can change the world if she is loud enough.


Movie of the year: Sisters. Is it ok to say that when I just saw it yesterday? It was freaking hilarious. I have said for quite a while that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are in my friendship circle and they just forget to hang out with me, and I think it's still true. This movie is, like, 2nd best to Mean Girls, so it's a hit. Uncontrollable laughter and moments that were too true made a great comedy.


Movie of the year honorable mention: Pitch Perfect 2. I can't help it but love a movie about music. It was predictable and fun with some comedy, and although it's not a powerhouse type of movie, it was written better than the first. And, I got the soundtrack for Christmas, so shoutout to my brother for picking a good gift.


Animated movie of the year: Inside Out. Omg, heartbreaking and funny and so real. The movie that gets in the feels of everyone is a movie that I consider a success. I saw it with a friend and her child, and while the little guy was only picking up the jokes, my friend and I were nearly in tears at parts. Growing up can suck, but it also brings good things, and accepting that moment of change is hard but necessary.


Professional musical theatre performances I saw this year: Rodger and Hammerstein's Cinderella, Kinky Boots, and Wicked (for the 5th time), all at the Fabulous Fox Theatre in St. Louis. So much love for this theatre and these shows.


Traveling slowed down quite a lot in 2015. If 2014 was the year of travel, 2015 was the year of sedentary life. It was sad to not see new things and experience new cultures, but I still made huge memories. Travels to the Fox were great, and I also made a day trip in May to St. Louis to go to the art museum, walk through Forest Park, shop on Delmar Loop, and eat sushi for the first time. I consider it a win.


Fiction book of the year: The Shack by William Young. I knew nothing about the book before reading it, so I just thought some dude was going to a shack. I did not know about the biblical comparisons and the controversy surrounding the book, but I loved it. Imagining God as a black woman, Jesus as a middle eastern carpenter (oh, wait, that's real life), and the Holy Spirit as an Asian woman made perfect sense to me.


Fiction book of the year honorable mention: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's / Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling. Is it ok to list this book for 2015? I know it came out for.ev.er. ago, but I just started the series this year, so now I'm a real Potterhead. I love fandoms, and I feel as if I fit into this one perfectly.


Non-fiction comedy books of the year: Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling and Seriously...I'm Kidding by Ellen De Generes. Both excelled in their humor and were fast reads, but they are funny in their own ways. Both authors are strong women who are #crushingit, and I admire them for balancing their humor and their effect on the world with the power they have gained.


Non-fiction Christian book of the year: Hands down, no comparisons, all else fails - For the Love by Jen  Hatmaker. I know I've already raved over the book, but I have read the book four times at this point which has never happened before and only come close by one or two books. The way this book brings together people is astounding. It brought together the launch team, it brought together the book club / Bible study of which I was a part, and it brought together a few friends who are now some of the closest friends I have (and our friendship would be incomplete without the wonderful Facebook Messenger group conversations running daily).


Non-fiction Christian book of the year honorable mentions: Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans and Out of Sorts by Sarah Bessey. These two books handled similar topics of feeling as if she does not belong in the local church, leaving, and finding the way back, but Rachel and Sarah covered the topics in separate, very distinct ways which shows their similar passions but their various personalities. In a year of hardships, these books helped to pull me through, and my thanks for their vulnerability and honesty in their writings cannot be understated. To be on the launch team for Out of Sorts was wonderful because I could see the way it changed people and allowed them to open up and ponder more thoroughly about their beliefs.


So, 2015, I'm not sad to see you go. I look forward to the adventures ahead in 2016. My biggest goal for the year is to choose the right things for which I say yes and the right things for which I say no. Grad school will bring a huge time commitment, and I know that I cannot say yes to everything, even when saying yes would be easier than saying no.


This doesn't fit into a cute little hashtag, so I think I'll go with #2016adventure. I don't plan to go on big traveling adventures (you know, like LA and NYC in 2014), but I want to live my life as an adventure, seeking what I don't know and learning more about what I do know.


"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't care much where-"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."
-Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll