June blog of grad school, theatre, and summer

Knock, knock.

You still there?

K, good.

So, hi. :) It's been a little quiet around here, and before that it was a little heavy, and before that who even knows what was happening?

I've been really good proud of myself about blogging every month since September (though no one really blogs anymore except, like, middle-aged women who want to talk about their kids which I think is cool). I have a lot of little life things to say (like a middle-aged woman who wants to talk about her kids' activities which I think is cool except I don't have kids). So, basically, add another 25 years to my life, give me some kids, and scroll through if you're feeling it.

Am I a middle-aged mom? Nope. Do I blog like one sometimes? Yep. Are most of my favorite people middle-aged moms (from Idina Menzel to friends to mentors)? Totally.

(I am completely playing off of a ridiculous stereotype of "mommy bloggers" as if women can't contribute anything else if they are stay-at-home-parents who happen to also write. Or if they work outside of the home. Or if they do whatever they want and people won't mind one's own business so they critique others for fun / for lack of intention because of not realizing the issues at play when one says "mommy blogger." Play it cool and tone it down, internet and real life peeps.)

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I survived my first year of theological school! I was asked if the work is academically challenging, I paused, and I said no...kinda. Because it's not hard as in I can't manage it.

At first, it was hard to adjust to life changes. Then, it was spiritually hard to determine what to let go of and what to keep with the knowledge that I brought with me (though so much of it was already in major shifts before starting my M.Div.). Now, it's just like life is hard kind of stuff. I'm not overwhelmed by schoolwork being schoolwork, but I was kind of in a rushed fog throughout the spring semester.

I *maybe* overloaded myself with taking six classes, working twenty hours per week, volunteering with high school girls at church, having an active social life, serving as Communications Officer of the Theological Student Association, and pretending that I was going to a Zumba class every week.

So I cut out Zumba and stuck with the rest.

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In the spring semester, I took Systematic Theology in which I learned about the three paradigms of Christianity: A) traditional / conservative; B) liberal / progressive; C) liberationist (including feminist, womanist, eco-justice, queer theology, etc.). I'm finding that I grew up A, I've worked to be in B for the past few years, and I'm somewhere between B and C right now. And that's a pretty cool life transition. I loved reading She Who Is by Elizabeth Johnson, God of the Oppressed by James Cone, and Sisters in the Wilderness by Delores Williams for this course, alongside a few other books.

I had a class on Race and American Christianity which helped to fill in some historical gaps and work toward articulating answers on why I care about racial issues. My favorite texts of the course were Exodus! by Eddie S. Glaude and Manliness and Civilization by Gail Bederman.

Next up, I was in Biblical Literature 2 with a group of friends (and we creatively named ourselves the Tuesday Crowd because class was held on a - spoiler alert - Tuesday). We studied early Christian texts from the Christian Testament and worked through viewing scripture through the lens of people with different experiences than one's own. After my Hebrew Bible class in the fall semester, this class reinforced the idea that maybe I'm not supposed to see myself as the hero of every story. Maybe that's unethical and maybe that hurts more people than it helps. Maybe the Bible is a tricky place that doesn't follow one storyline. And maybe, despite studying this book for nearly 25 years, I still have a lot to learn about the historical contexts and ethical ways to engage with the text in the present day.

As another continuation from the fall, I took Pastoral Formation 2. This class was on a religious community's identity and what I bring to the space, and it has been one of my favorites. Breathing Space by Heidi Neumark stood out to me, and I have referenced her reflections on ministry in the South Bronx frequently since reading it for class.

I registered for a PREP class, or Partnership for Religion and Education in Prisons. Our class had intended to study in a prison with outside students from Drew Theo along inside students, but the class was unfortunately cancelled in its PREP format. Instead, my class on The Search for the Good Community became a community organizing class, and I think I fell in love. I was already leaning toward switching into the M.Div.'s new social justice advocacy track, and this class confirmed that desire. I really loved the SHALOM model that was employed in the class structure.

In Good Community, I did a case study on Help One Now which I absolutely love, and I created a plan for a potential summer program engaging arts, justice, and health for under-resourced kids in Newark. I love the inclusion of arts and justice in working with youth, and this class proved that I don't have to separate those things (or anything else that I'm passionate about) in my work as a religious leader.

Finally, I was enrolled in the pre-departure class before traveling to Turkey. Drew requires Master of Divinity students to take a cross-cultural trip for about two weeks, often traveling to locations such as South Korea, South Africa, and El Savador with some trips to Arizona and southern California as well. Why did I pick Turkey? Um, well, I heard a friend and the professor talking about Turkey in October and they seemed passionate and I didn't know anything about the country and I said ehhh sounds cool enough.

Is this a terribly irresponsible way to determine where to travel overseas? Entirely. But, it worked out surprisingly well for me. (10/10 do not recommend traveling to a different country for the first time because your friend says it sounds cool unless you're in a trustworthy place and the cost is extremely reduced and actually the things you are doing are intentional toward making ethical choices of meeting with marginalized groups of people to hear about the cool work they're doing...)

So I have a lot to share about Turkey, but that will come another time.

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In the spring, I worked as a test proctor with undergraduate students needing academic accommodations, and it was great to see people outside of the theological school. It tends to become an insular community within campus, so mixing up the people who I saw was a nice change.

I was *constantly* working on TSA (see above, not connected to airport security) stuff which I absolutely loved, and I miss student government roles and colleagues who are dispersed for the summer.

I continued to fulfill my commitment to work with high school girls from church throughout the spring semester. I really loved the girls, and I am sad to see them go as I head toward an internship at a different church this fall.

Also, I probably could have had a lot more free time in my schedule if I didn't have such awesome friends who I wanted to hang out with all of the time. As I summarized previously, I had a year filled with great things like orientation, deans' revue, matriculation, #bageltour2k18, Women's March, National School Walk Out, friends in Bib Lit 1 / Preaching crew and friends in Tuesday Crowd, TSA meetings, having a garlic plant for three months and a fish for twelve days, and beginning to claim New Jersey as my home.

I definitely miss some really good friends from Illinois and I have let go of some others; meanwhile, I have gained such wonderful friends in New Jersey for which I am exceptionally grateful. *heart heart praise hands*

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For my Bib Lit 2 class, I was assigned to do a creative project from a Christian Testament text. After filming a "video selfie" with my friends, Brinna and Olivia, as a recap after we went to the Museum of the Bible, Brinna had a great revelation (ya see what I did there?) for us to make a video series similar to Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

With that, Riding in Cars with Theo Students was born.

For our submitted videos which we have now dubbed as season one, we discussed gun violence, gender topics, the pop culturalization of John 3:16, communion, and racial issues. We passed the class (and had tons of fun with the project), so I'm going to call it a success. We later decided to compile our bloopers and keep going, so season two is currently being filmed. I'm really thankful to have a roommate who has become such a close friend that I willingly spend extra time with her on this series and now work with her. :) Shoutout to Brinna for being the best.

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Speaking of work, my spring semester job is closed for the summer, and I have picked up a new job in graduate admissions. I spend my days answering the phones, replying to emails, and going through tasks about admissions-related topics. I just started last week so I'm a total newbie, but I'm looking forward to things to come like getting to represent Drew Theo at Wild Goose Festival next month!

When I'm not working, I'm taking part in an internship this summer on Drew's campus and in Newark. As the inaugural cohort of Justice Ministry Education at Drew and one of the first groups to exist through JME's program, I am really excited about what we have done and what is to come. We have gone through some prep work to get to this point, and we will have high school students from Newark on campus next month to work with the theatre program. On Saturday, I participated in an art parade which was a rad way to walk through 2.5 miles of Newark and get a sunburn. Worth it.

And what else am I doing this summer? Not much. I have read almost an entire book in a day, I have watched more Netflix in the past week than I have since October, and I am learning how to unwind and what it means to relax again. A friend said she is jealous of everything that I'm doing and I said that it's not all that it appears to be on the outside (because I have a lot of down time for few weeks), which I think goes to show that 1) not everything is as great as I might make it seem, 2) not everything is as bad as I might make it seem, and 3) friends are good to keep around because they say things like this which cause me to need to be honest yet grateful.

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Last Sunday, June 10, I signed up for a free CBS All-Access account so I could watch the Tony Awards. I had my lists of winning predictions, I took notes, I posted pictures on social media, and I live-tweeted.

It. Was. An. Event.

(Like, obviously it was a formal event, but I mean that as a slang for a good night or something really important or another pop culture slang term that I'm probably not cool enough to actually use)

I wanted Once on This Island to win their eight nominations. I have been so into the show after seeing it in December the day after it opened, and I am in love. They went home with the Tony for Best Revival of a Musical which is really just the best!

Let's pick some top moments / big thoughts from the night (in no particular order because that would be an unnecessary difficult):

A) I predicted about 40% of the winners, so Imma call that a good enough success rate

B) I have mixed feelings over Sara Bareilles and Josh Groban hosting, but they were mostly good. I disliked when they sang, "I gotta sing this eight times a week." That was full of privilege which discounts the hard work that it takes for normal people (who don't have established pop careers) to break into Broadway

C) Andrew Garfield's accent is hot which I had *almost* forgotten

D) LINDSAY MENDEZ WON HER FIRST TONY AWARD! I was 100% into that. She said, "I just want to say how proud I am to be part of a community that celebrates diversity and individuality. Be your true self, and the world will take note." It sounds like a line from Fame, so I'm like yassssss!!

E) I can't get into the idea of SpongeBob as a musical, yet they won one award

F) Mean Girls was nominated for twelve awards, won nothing, and had a disappointing performance. And this is coming from someone who is ~still obsessed~ with the movie

G) Frozen didn't win anything after being nominated for three awards, but Caissie Levy's performance of Let It Go is a highlight of my entire life

H) The drama department from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL performed Seasons of Love, and the entire Broadway community was in the feels

I) Patti LuPone said, "I have a deep appreciation for outspoken women." Gurlll, I relate

J) Chita Rivera won the lifetime achievement award off air, and a clip of her acceptance was played. She stated, "I wouldn't trade my life in the theatre for anything because theatre is life." Accurate

K) I obviously loved the performance of Once on This Island (of which I am extremely biased), but it causes me question: Why wasn't Alex Newell nominated? Mama will proviiiiide with awards to come because Alex is gold (and a really rad person who I met a few years ago on the Glee set) (Other OOTI biases: a friend went to school with the lead in the show, and one of the cast members is a Drew alum) (But I genuinely love the show)

L) The four musical awards were won by people of color (3/4 for The Band's Visit) which is a win because diversity is crucially important. After Tony Shalhoub won the best leading actor in a musical, he was speaking about ancestors and said, "May we, their descendants, never lose sight of what they taught us."

M) When Ari'el Stachel won the best featured actor in a musical, he stated, "I concealed, and I missed so many special events with them (my parents). [Kids are] telling us how transformative representation is. Your biggest obstacle may turn into your purpose."

I think Ari'el's acceptance speech really brings together what I love about musical theatre. This is a place where representation matters - as it does with all media, public offices, etc. - and Broadway still seems magical to me, somewhere in which anyone can turn an obstacle into a purpose.

On Monday, news was released that Jessica Vosk will be playing Elphaba in Wicked on Broadway. She played the role on tour, and I started following her online at that time because of how fun she seems. She left a career in finance to return to theatre, and that mystical element of musical theatre and creativity in general are what always pull me back into the hype.

I was ok with a life in which I worked random day jobs in order to have low-paying creative jobs and even-lower-paying or volunteer positions working with kids. I don't regret a day of it and I miss my former students and the things that I used to do, but sometimes we can give up something to go for something different. And maybe that something different just might have hope to make a change in the world.

And maybe that something different, for me, might include finding a way to combine loving kids and theatre and creating things and writing and social justice advocacy and non-profits and God and whatever else I remember that I love when I take the time to invest in myself.

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So, what comes next?

Well, probably some game nights with friends, writing an analysis of my trip to Turkey, working on JME materials, working in admissions, following up on tasks that I have put off for a month or two, and trying to live my best life.

Sometimes storytelling takes place in really intense, deep conversations about meaningful topics. Sometimes storytelling is just dumping my thoughts and expanding upon somewhat recent events into a place of the internet which is totally my own. Sometimes it takes on an unexpected form of life, and that's a rad moment to discover.

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Thanks for hanging out today. Read through some more stuff here or binge watch my series on YouTube if you're bored. Go read a real book by a real published author if you're looking for real content that is probably a little more real and high class than what you get here for real and for free. Also, don't think that my links to Amazon, social media platforms, or GIFs are affiliate links because ain't nobody got time for setting that up.

A series of unpopular opinions

I like to do series of #UnpopularOpinions sometimes on Twitter. They are mostly ridiculous things like how mint chip ice cream is the best, how I am against leggings as pants, and how Halloween trunk or treat parties are still Halloween parties.

While this is a silly pastime over social media, I am finding it increasingly obvious that I have some unpopular opinions about things. People may actually agree with me more on ice cream than I thought (I had six unexpected likes), but other parts of my life and my beliefs are not exactly the norm. While I’m ok with that and I like to dialogue respectfully about these issues, I find it necessary to stay true to myself and to my future career as a religious leader in some capacity to be honest about what I believe.

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To start off, I don’t believe in any white Jesus and white God stuff. When I walk into churches with pictures of Jesus as this white dude with a halo over blonde hair and some ocean blue eyes, I’m wondering if we are making Jesus into more of our pop band superstars than our savior. Geographically and historically, Jesus was born in the middle east. If you’ve ever seen any people from the middle east, you would likely notice that they don’t have white skin like I do.

I think people make God into who they want the divine to be. It would be easy as a white person with privilege who has lived in the Midwest for most of her life to say that God as human looks like me, but I cannot grasp onto that myth with any truthful beliefs because Jesus and I look different in being absolute opposites.

Actually, I really like that Jesus on earth doesn’t look like me.

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To keep in line with Jesus not looking like me to make me feel better, I see God as a gender-inclusive or maybe even gender-neutral being. While it is often shared of God as Father with a masculine pronoun used, I have been fascinated by reading the Bible in places where God is cast as a feminine presence such as Asherah (a traditionally-female Hebrew name) in Genesis, one who gives birth in Isaiah, and one who has the wisdom of Sophia (an oft-used female name in English).

I know many who refer to God the parent as both Mother and Father, who use he and she interchangeably when talking about the Creator and Sustainer of all life. Out of respect to my traditional-leaning friends and family, I tend to talk about God without gender. The Creator who can make females and males and all along the spectrum of gender identity from God’s own image is one who can encompass all distinctions and divisions.

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I find scripture to be essential – both from the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Testament while also valuing the Apocrypha and extracanonical works. They are a source of symbolic interpretation to be used in our current context while studying the historical, geographical, cultural, linguistic, and genre-based contexts from which the texts were written. And, because I find these research aspects to be so important, I often do not read the stories of the text literally.

Many of the stories of the Bible are encouraging, many blow my mind, and many are confusingly baffling. I certainly think that plenty of Bible stories are based on true historical figures and events: the prophet Isaiah writing the first part of the one book known by that name, the Israelite exilic period, and Paul and his letters.

But, I see many great stories that I do not take literally: Jonah and the big fish, Queen Esther, and Adam and Eve. As it is not often studied in traditional Christianity, these stories were told orally to share meanings and provide symbols for life circumstances.

I think the Bible is an amazing, sacred text that has so much for me to study further despite reading pieces of it for years. I genuinely believe that I have much more to learn about how these stories originated and what they mean to me now.

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I was speaking to a professor recently about the struggle between the literal interpretations that I was taught as a child and the more symbolic approach through which I am currently approaching sacred texts. I said that I struggle with how I can define which texts seem appropriate and which need further study because of how they are used in harmful ways. The professor presented the idea of seeing the text through a lens of ethics, and that has resonated with me.

It’s not that I want to dismiss scripture that people before me have deemed to be sacred texts as important in faith traditions. Rather, I absolutely feel as if I must read the Bible through the ways in which others will be treated. Scripture should not be used as something which can hurt and push away others.

Through the four sources of Christian life, also known by my United Methodist peeps as the “Wesleyan quadrilateral” – reason, tradition, scripture, and experience – I have learned this past semester in Systematic Theology that different understandings of Christianity rank the sources in orders that are pertinent to their interpretations.

My order changes sometimes, but I am currently ranking experience first with reason, scripture, and tradition to follow. To simply rate the four sources is rather simplistic because there’s a lot of intermingling that happens within the quadrilateral.

This probably places me among the Christians who fall into more progressive or liberationist “paradigms.” I’m sure I have been in this realm for years, but I have been aligned with organizations of traditional, conservative beliefs which I wanted to honor.

If someone would ask directly about my opinion on something, I would determine if it was a time when I could answer with honesty or if I could move around and past the question. I often felt as if I had to give a disclaimer that these were personal beliefs that I was working through and point out that the organizations and people with whom I was attached would teach differently.

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When a favorite author / kind-of-friend through book launching, Jen Hatmaker, disclosed that she was affirming of people who are LGBT in the church in October of 2016, I realized how harmful the backlash can be – not only to the allies who are affirming, but mostly to the people of the LGBTQI+ community.

If you had asked me ten years ago about my thoughts on homosexuality, I would have instantly repeated all things against it because I did not know of any other positions held by Christians.

If you had asked me six years ago about my thoughts on gay people, I would have said that we should be friends but they are living sinful lives. “Hate the sin, love the sinner,” is a terrible approach because of how harmful it is, but I believed it. At that time, it had become more nuanced because my friend (at the time, my recently-out gay ex-boyfriend) and other people who I knew through theatre were approaching times in their lives when they felt more comfortable coming out about their sexuality that defies the heteronormative culture in which we live.

If you ask me now about my thoughts on the LGBTQI+ community, I am quite direct: I believe in the full inclusion of people who are LGBTQI+. Full stop. For some friends, this is not any new information and this is something we can openly support as Christians. For some friends, this is an “issue” that probably seems shockingly against their foundational beliefs as Christians.

When I heard Nadia Bolz-Weber speaking at an event in October, I knew from her talk that I needed to write publicly about being affirming; there could be people around me who have never been told that God has always loved them and will still love them if they come out as gay or even that God created them as they are. This sounds very look-at-me-doing-good-things which I strive not to do, but I genuinely mean it. Within three months of hearing Nadia, I had three teenagers or young adults who felt comfortable telling me that they aren’t straight. And that’s ok.

I recognize that this is just a belief for me, but it is a matter of daily life for numerous friends and people who I respect. I have way too many friends who have walked away from God because they were rejected by Christians over sexuality. It makes me sick every time I think about them and how they have been hurt. Because I'm in theological school as a religious leader, I feel as if I am now responsible for speaking against the hate that causes such hurt from this heteronormativity and homophobia.

Honestly, I have been so amazed with the number of queer Christians who I have known throughout my life. I'm awed with their perseverance and their persistence to be part of the universal church even though the vocal majority of American Christian evangelicalism says that they should not be included. I have much to learn from my friends, and all I can do is continue to use my voice to affirm them.

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I’m living within the tension between conservative and liberal interpretations of faith of those who are close to me in proximity and in relations, but I feel as if I must be honest about where I stand within the church and within structures of faith. It is not an effort to ostracize anyone, to say that I’m right, or to ignore the foundations of faith that I knew growing up.

In Sarah Bessey’s book, Out of Sorts, she writes, “If our theology doesn’t shift and change over our lifetimes, then I have to wonder whether we’re paying attention.” These certainly aren’t beliefs that I have held within my entire life, but they’re also not entirely new concepts within my theological framework. I am working not to limit myself in future career opportunities as well as within Christian practices.

A guiding line for discovering and deepening my beliefs is “break my heart for what breaks yours” from Hosanna by Hillsong. If I am following God, then my heart will break for what could symbolically break the heart of God. I see people who are marginalized, placed as “others” in society, called “the least of these," and experiencing other forms of oppression, and I believe that God calls us to be a source of love and healing for people on the outside.

This is exactly the God whose model I want to follow. I want to be known for what I'm for: love, inclusion, acceptance, justice, freedom, creativity.

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So, here I am at the end of my first year of theological school. So much has shifted and changed, so much has remained the same, and so so so much is still to be explored. I can’t imagine what kind of #UnpopularOpinions I’ll develop within the next two years, whether about ice cream (blueberry cheesecake ice cream is actually pretty good, tbh) or about theology (so many more classes to take!).

I have found that sometimes after I post potentially-controversial content, people will dismiss me (if it’s your time to peace out, I wish you well) or be worried (lol, I’m good). I do think it’s best to have conversations when appropriate and when healthy dialogue will benefit all, but I recognize that this is unachievable sometimes. I hope you’ll stick around with me through this quest of discovering practices that are new to me and of building up unshakeable pieces of who I am.

Who Tells Your Story?

Welcome back to the blog, friends! For the final project in my Race and American Christianity class with Dr. Morris Davis, I am compiling my research into a post to share my knowledge. I am finishing my second semester at Drew Theological School, and my classes are helping me to fill in gaps of education, both within faith traditions and in the broader world.

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I knew that I didn't come into this class with a lot of Christian historical knowledge because I have not yet taken a course in church history. I also knew that my US history skills were lacking. I have not intentionally studied American history since high school, and I never took a class that studied past the Lincoln administration.

My history gaps are huge.

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In the fall of 2015, the Original Broadway Cast Recording from Hamilton: An American Musical was released. I recognize that this is a creative, artistic rendition of history that Lin-Manuel Miranda has created from the work of Ron Chernow's biography on Alexander Hamilton, but it has seriously opened my mind.

I love that the show's casts include a majority of people of color playing the Founding Fathers and the family of Alexander Hamilton, the first treasurer of the United States. This hip hop musical is reframing history in a way to include people who have been systemically oppressed and typically ignored. Rather than what may be expected, people of color are playing the historical roles which were originally white men of power.

I quickly fell in love with Hamilton, and I saw the show in Chicago in June of 2017. In addition to the cast recording, the Hamilton Mixtape was released in December of 2016 as further creative insights into shared history. In the mixtape, hip hop and pop artists are covering tracks from the show and remixing pieces that were cut from the production.

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Much like the intro on the Hamilton Mixtape, the way that race has been handled within American Christianity is not as simple as a John Trumbull painting.

For those who may be unaware (as I was before the release of the Hamilton Mixtape), John Trumbull painted notable scenes throughout the Revolutionary War. One of his most celebrated works is the painting of the Declaration of Independence. While it looks nice and seems like everything easily came together to start a new nation, further research into the time period proves that the process was anything but nice and easy.

This is similar to my history knowledge - or, previously, my lack thereof. 

I knew it couldn't have been easy or simple to handle the constant pressure and tension of race within the history of American Christianity. But, I don't think I was aware of how difficult it has been for people of color to remain in a religion that was written by men in the middle east, yet it has been studied deeply and loudly by white men in western contexts who manipulate the text to what would benefit them.

I'm not so sure that much has changed.

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During the fall 2017 semester, I was enrolled in a hybrid class of Biblical Literature 1 and Church at Worship: Preaching with Dr. Danna Nolan Fewell and Dr. Gary V. Simpson. For the third sermon of the course, I was creating a written sermon based on Isaiah 43:1-7 NRSV. I unintentionally referenced older commentaries which did not include any specific information about the third and fourth verses, so I left them as is.

My sermon was focusing on the literal and metaphorical exile of modern people groups who are marginalized, with an intended focus on people of color in relation to Black Lives Matter and the fear of diversity. I wrote that God cares for God's people.

I was genuinely shocked to receive my graded feedback which stated that these verses have been used to intentionally exclude people (especially people of color by referencing Egypt, Ethiopia, and Saba - locations in Africa) which is the exact opposite direction of my sermon. I had no idea that these verses were used against people of color, despite spending half of my childhood in a multi-ethnic church environment.

After I thought about it, duh, of course it made sense. These verses are extremely exclusionary, and I chose to not see it.

I still have much to learn.

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Many texts throughout both the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Testament include specific references or casual nods to slaves, servants, and others who are treated as unequal. Rather than the collection of books as a unifying story with a solo narrative of uplifting positivity (as many people have tried to market the Bible to me throughout my life), I now see that these books are filled with various genres for varied audiences. Scholarly research shows that scripture has historically been used by people in power to promote those same people in power.

Here's a pretty sad thing I have learned: the early Christian texts - including the Christian Testament books - never specifically call against slavery. Never.

There are casual references to slavery throughout the texts, including both the gospels and the epistles, and no one ever says anything against it. Of course, it would be super anachronistic to apply these to an American Christian context and say that the texts are racist. Slavery and race - a social construct - were not directly linked until slavery began in America. But, it doesn't look good from the biblical perspective.

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More specifically, the one chapter that is known as the book of Philemon has been used regarding the debates over slavery within the church.

There are three big characters in the text:

Paul, the writer of the epistle / literal prisoner according to the letter

Philemon, a slave owner

Onesimus, slave to be returned to Philemon

The name "Onesimus" means useful, so it's *possible* that the whole thing is a misunderstanding and that Paul is simply telling a story in this letter that is undisputed in authorship. But, what if he's not?

The passage uses manipulative language in order for Paul to assert control on Philemon who then controls Onesimus. Slavery is used repeatedly as a theological model for obedience. For example, in another undisputed letter by Paul, Ephesians 6:5 instructs slaves to obey masters just as followers of Jesus would obey Christ.

This collapse between the two is extremely harmful. Paul totally feeds into this support of slavery and never specifically denounces it; he absolutely could have done in the text if historical Paul believed that slavery was wrong.

The influence of not denouncing slavery has continued throughout the history of the United States. John Henry Hopkins, a former Episcopal Bishop in Vermont, published a book in which he said there is no scriptural basis to end slavery. He wasn't incorrect.

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I was at the Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C. in March, and there was an exhibit on the beloved hymn, Amazing Grace. The exhibit included information about the lyricist, John Newton, who worked on slave ships prior to writing the famed song.

The song includes melodies that are typical of slave spirituals which shows how easily people in power - in this case, a white man - have appropriated culture that is not their own.

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In Eddie Glaude's book, Exodus! Religion, Race, and Nation in Early Nineteenth-Century Black America, the scholar relates the struggle of racism with the exilic periods in the Hebrew Bible. He discusses how Christianity was something that many black Americans adopted, but it came with conditional aspects.

Glaude writes, “Black evangelicals had to come to terms with the fact that early Christian evangelicalism was, to some extent, complicitous with slavery and white supremacy. Many of its proponents assumed the inferiority of black people…What meaning could Christianity have for them if the religion was, as it was assumed, a white man’s religion?”

If a religion has the power to support oppression, why would those who are oppressed choose to stay in it? That's a question that I struggle with, and I have found some hope in reframing the story through the writing and theology of Rev. Dr. James H. Cone.

Cone, a leader in black liberation theology throughout his lifetime (and likely a leader posthumously because of his deep legacy left behind in his recent death), writes in God of the Oppressed - one of my favorite books from this semester - that Jesus is black.

He says, "Christ’s blackness is both literal and symbolic. His blackness is literal in the sense that he truly becomes One with the oppressed blacks, taking their suffering as his suffering and revealing that he is found in the history of our struggle, the story of our pain, and the rhythm of our bodies…The least in America are literally and symbolically present in black people."

To see Jesus as one who suffers alongside humanity is a way to find hope in the struggle and to see liberation as something that is actually accessible on earth.

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This is not to say that Cone flew in to save the day or that there have never been issues within the "black American church."

I think of the split between Historic St. George United Methodist Church (the oldest UMC in the United States) and what is now known as Mother Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church (the creation of the first national black protestant denomination) in Philadelphia. I think of how those original leaders who caused the split were courageous, yet they also withheld Jarena Lee from preaching because of being a woman.

I think of how Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, and Philando Castille should still be alive today. I think of how black women are even further oppressed because of their intersectionality of race and gender.

I think of how there is not a solution to our problems of the past and how those problems further perpetuate our current issues of racism. The work is not complete, but I have a glimmer of hope for liberation to come for all.

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Like in Hamilton, the stories that become prominent depend on who tells them.

In regards to how race has been handled through the history of American Christianity, will we tell it as something simple like, "Burr shot Hamilton," or will we look deeper into history and realize the legacy that lives if we are willing to study more?

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For my class in Biblical Literature 2 with Dr. Althea Spencer-Miller this semester, I am producing a series of videos on biblical interpretations with Brinna Kolitz. For our final video of Riding in Cars with Theo Students, we covered modern applications of racialized Christian Testament texts with PhD student abby mohaupt.

Enjoy!  (You should watch the entire mini-series for an idea of how much we believe in the feminist movement, how hilarious we can be, or - you know, strictly educational things - how we have developed our biblical interpretations to this point.)

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Thanks for joining me on the blog today. I felt like I had mind-blowing experiences in this class, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn more and engage in classroom discussions. This is something that I care about, but I had limited prior knowledge. I have so much to share, and I tried to limit it to some key points.

I recognize that I am approaching the topic from a growing-in-scholarly-work perspective. I also recognize that I am a white woman of upper middle class upbringing which brings a great deal of privilege and power. I do not claim to know the experiences of those who are different than me, but I do hope to share some of what I have learned.

Did you learn anything new? Have you read other interpretations of any information that I presented here? Are you interested in reading more academic work? I would love to hear from you with your thoughts on this piece.

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Bibliography available upon request.

You Will Be Found

The second semester of my Master of Divinity program at Drew Theological School is quickly coming to a close. It is astonishing how fast this journey has started, and I am amazed that I have nearly earned 1/3 of a master's degree.

A master's degree in theology.

Whoa.

I thought if I ever went back to school, I would further study education (as I had intended at various times over the past decade). And yet here I am.

As I think through all that I have experienced - the people and the classes and the mental reframing and the living into who I am and the courage and the fear and the fearful courage and the activism and the community and the humans who push me to do more good things - I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the patience of professors, colleagues, and close friends. I have experienced so much theological change, and yet I am still becoming.

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Near the beginning of the fall semester, I attended a chapel service in which previous plans had fallen through and the plans were changed at the last moment to focus on and sing about breath. I distinctly remember sitting with people who I thought were cool and who I now deeply admire and call friends. I struggled to focus on my breath because I was feeling such anxiety that I didn't have any capacity to control.

At today's chapel service - the penultimate service of this semester - we sang the same song as at  chapel at the beginning of the fall semester about breath. Today was another chapel service in which plans fell through, this time in the form of a broken projector.

In addition to singing about breath today, we sang No Longer Slaves. I have vivid memories of singing this song while playing my guitar with friends from Illinois and feeling that same anxiety. I felt as if I couldn't truly sing the lyrics, "I'm no longer a slave to fear," because I felt captive to that unexplainable and knowingly ridiculous fear manifested through anxiety.

That's kind of a thing with mental health: I know logically that my fears and worries and depression and anxiety are unnecessary and unjustified. In ways in which I wish it wouldn't, the feelings persist.

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For years, I would tell myself that I just needed to pray more and it would go away. If I could "get closer to God," then maybe I would do something right and I would magically have this feeling solved. I find nothing wrong with inspiring pieces from biblical scripture that are anti-fear, but the verses can be misused when scripture is seen as a treatment to humans rather than as symbolically divine words.

We find the following in Deuteronomy 31:6 HCSB: "Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; [God] will not leave you or forsake you."

That's genuinely great. Be strong. Be courageous.

That just isn't a medicine for mental health, though.

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Upon moving and changing my entire life and finding new courses in which to follow on this quest through living, I had to confront my anxiety. Rather, my anxiety confronted me with panic attacks in class and anxiety that held me back from speaking in class or speaking my truth with friends.

Nervous, terrified, and filled with more unexplained anxiety, I approached the health center on campus and took the steps to begin receiving counseling. I have been going since October. It certainly hasn't cured me and I don't expect anything to ever completely remove it from my life, but I have processes to go through when anxiety is heightened, and I can determine the signs of depressive behaviors. I have better techniques in having difficult conversations, and I have a place where I spend an hour most weeks to talk about the things that bring unresolved trauma and the things that bring new fears.

I have space to let my mind ramble through the words that come out of my mouth. I have space to share the things that I don't want to say elsewhere or the things that I want to say elsewhere but can't find the courage to say aloud. I have space to just be.

I recognize that these mental health struggles are not bad. I accept that this is a part of who I am, and it is something that I deal with every day. This is me, and it is not something that I beat myself up about; rather, it is only one part of my identity.

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I have tried to be a champion for mental health for the past few years. I would encourage former students and youth group kids to seek counseling or therapy to talk about the personal and interpersonal issues that bother them. I would seek out the kids whose anxiety was physically present to let them know that they are not alone and that it's not all of who they are. I have stood against using the word crazy to mean silly, and I have hated the use of anxious as excited. I would encourage others to seek help, but I wouldn't help myself for so long until I could not ignore the need to confront and accept this one piece of me.

When I finally took the leap to seek out counseling and when I finally felt as if I was in a place in which I could trust people in my new life, I could recognize the good. Counseling has been so good and so hard and so needed. I have much more to work through to get to where I want to be (specifically speaking in class more often, feeling comfortable making music in / with crowds of people, becoming more at ease with the idea of performing again, finding a controlled verbal speed when speaking personally and professionally), but I do see so much progress in the past few months.

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I was talking to a colleague yesterday who said that he was worried about an upcoming appointment. We have struggled to communicate in the past (and I'm not naturally a very pastoral-care-kind-of-person), but I took this as a time to share some tips with him. I offered the suggestion to focus on breathing - funny how that comes back to play, right? - while calling out the feeling.

*Breathe in*
"I'm feeling anxiety."
*Breathe out*
"I'm feeling anxiety."
*Breathe in*
"I'm feeling anxiety."
*Breathe out*
"I'm feeling anxiety."

He told me today that it didn't help him, but at least I tried. The colleague asked if I was a psych major in undergrad, and I said, "No, I just have a jacked up brain." We have opportunities daily to normalize and destigmatize mental health.

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I get that aspects of these mental health things, for me, are just parts of my personality type(s).

I am an Enneagram 3 which means that I am an achiever; I have the basic fear of being worthless and the basic desire to feel valuable and worthwhile. I am motivated to be affirmed, to distinguish myself from others, to be admired, and to impress others. I have the lost message that I am loved for myself. I need someone not to say, "I love you," but instead to truly mean, "You are loved as you are." It's almost sickening how accurate this is which is why I first reacted by hating the Enneagram before moving into more of a place of acceptance.

I am an INTJ for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator which stands for introverted, intuitive, thinking, and judgment. This means that I am contradictory, I highly value alone time, I am often seen as difficult to understand, I do not heavily rely on emotions, and I am highly perfectionist in nature. These aren't necessarily bad things. They are simply who I am and the traits that I am working with through life. And that's ok.

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My life has certainly been changed. I never expect to not deal with mental health anymore, but I have much more clarity and more strength. I can claim the phrase, "I'm no longer a slave to fear." I have ways out to see past the murkiness and find some clarity.

In my apartment with the coolest set of roommates who anyone could ever find, we have a sign in our living room space which we often quote as a joke. But, it has true meaning. "Speak the truth even if your voice shakes."

My voice is shaking. I'm not fully clear. I have much to work on, but I am closer to speaking the truth than I was before. I take a new step every day to be brave by simply approaching life.

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I believe I have heard it said by many writer friends that one shouldn't tell stories which they are still living. They need to move past The Big Thing before they are ever able to approach it to write about something publicly. I get that, and I so value their wisdom.

I will never be done with this personal work, but I am at a place where sharing it isn't as scary as it was before. I'm speaking my truth. This is my life with mental health struggles, and it's not something to feel sorry for me about. It just is.

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Dear Evan Hansen, a musical that opened on Broadway in 2016, is honest about mental health issues. I have not yet seen the show (dude, tickets are freaking expensive!), and I struggle to get through the cast recording because it's mentally weighty. 

One song - You Will Be Found - particularly stands out to me, though, as one which helps through the weariness.

"Well, let that lonely feeling wash away

Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be ok

'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand

You can reach out your hand

...

There's a place where

We don't have to feel unknown

And every time that you call out

You're a little less alone

...

You are not alone

...

You will be found"

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Let us go out into that difficult place of being uncomfortable but uncovering our truths. Let us help others along the way who need a hand to reach out to them. Let us live in a way that people will feel a little less alone. Let us encourage courage alongside those who we love and those who we strive to love. 

You are not alone.

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Thanks for joining me today on the journey. It's been a few weeks since I've been up on the blog. I never totally wrapped up the Lent series, and I'll eventually (have time to) get more up about that.

There will always be more things to say, and I'm trusting for now that I'll go forth with God by "raising courage when we're shrinking, finding scope for faith begun," as found in Come and Find the Quiet Center.

Week 4 of Lent: A time to walk out

I have a bit of a confession to make. Cue Usher's Confessions, Pt. II because that is who I am as a person with pop music and Broadway showtunes in my head at all times.

I had planned not to strictly sacrifice anything for Lent but to take up blogging each week. Aaand I didn't do it last week. I was on spring break, and - as my inability to easily return to classes has proven - I had what I am calling Spring Break Brain. It's a thing where I just can't even. Very specific diagnosis.

So, I didn't blog last week despite having a million topics in my mind, but you can catch up on the series by starting with my Ash Wednesday post.

Sometimes things are a bit more difficult and a bit more sensitive about which to talk and write and discuss. This week, the issue of gun violence is heavy on my heart.

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Six years ago, the shooting of Trayvon Martin shook up my world. I thought of how often I had walked around with my hoodie up and with candy and a bottle of sweet tea in my hand. Yet, I was never murdered as an innocent teenager. I had never before considered a life in which my country would allow the murders of people of color or mass murders in public locations, but that is what has followed.

Four years ago, the shooting of Michael Brown was literally close to home as it took place in Ferguson, MO which is exactly 152 miles from my hometown. I was nearby as the protests caused an uproar of activity over the injustice in the suburbs of St. Louis.

Two years ago, the shooting of Philando Castile was an astonishment when he was fatally shot during a traffic stop. I was pulled over for speeding this past weekend and released with only a written warning, yet he doesn't get to continue living because of bullet wounds.

On January 23, a student at Marshall County High School in Benton, KY killed two students and injured others when he brought a weapon to school. This incident that happened 55 miles from that same hometown which felt so close to Ferguson affected me, as I know some current and former students of the school. I was worried about them and their safety while grieving the losses of the families who did not have a child come home from school that day.

On February 14, a former student at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL murdered seventeen students. When I first heard the news, I was almost insensitive to the event because I was and am still dealing with the loss of lives at Marshall County. The survivors of Stoneman Douglas have worked together well to speak out against gun violence, and I continue to assert that wise teenagers who use their collective power well are my favorite.

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This has to stop. I dream of a day in which mass shootings and any form of violence against others are a moment of the past and not a frequent occurrence of which to become desensitized.

I don't have all of the answers. I barely have any answers. I know that guns can be used for good to provide for families and to be used for sport, but they have to stop being used for murder. I can't allow myself to be silent about it again as a position of privilege.

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Tomorrow, students are calling for a national school walk out at 10:00 a.m. local time.

Honestly, I wasn't going to participate when the initial news of the walk out was spread just days after the shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School. I don't have a class on Wednesday mornings, and that is typically time that I spend alone to recharge which would be especially useful in the week following spring break. It would be much easier to forget about it and stay in bed a few extra minutes. My sister, a freshman in high school, called me out on this laziness and lack of care.

Why would I stay in bed and not participate in a walk out?

Why wouldn't I take action against an issue that could just as easily affect my sister as gun violence has affected too many other families in the United States?

Why wouldn't I take action to stand for my former students who could end up as the next national news story?

Why wouldn't I take action on the campus where I am a graduate student in a theological school where I could be the next victim?

Why wouldn't I?

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Tomorrow, I will be part of Enough: National School Walk Out at Drew University in Madison, NJ. I am proud to be part of the Theological Student Association which has partnered with the undergraduate College of Liberal Arts to host the event. I am proud to be part of a seminary institution in which the deans have given their full support of this activism. I am now proud to take part in this event, and I ask:

Why wouldn't you?