Who Tells Your Story?

Welcome back to the blog, friends! For the final project in my Race and American Christianity class with Dr. Morris Davis, I am compiling my research into a post to share my knowledge. I am finishing my second semester at Drew Theological School, and my classes are helping me to fill in gaps of education, both within faith traditions and in the broader world.

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I knew that I didn't come into this class with a lot of Christian historical knowledge because I have not yet taken a course in church history. I also knew that my US history skills were lacking. I have not intentionally studied American history since high school, and I never took a class that studied past the Lincoln administration.

My history gaps are huge.

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In the fall of 2015, the Original Broadway Cast Recording from Hamilton: An American Musical was released. I recognize that this is a creative, artistic rendition of history that Lin-Manuel Miranda has created from the work of Ron Chernow's biography on Alexander Hamilton, but it has seriously opened my mind.

I love that the show's casts include a majority of people of color playing the Founding Fathers and the family of Alexander Hamilton, the first treasurer of the United States. This hip hop musical is reframing history in a way to include people who have been systemically oppressed and typically ignored. Rather than what may be expected, people of color are playing the historical roles which were originally white men of power.

I quickly fell in love with Hamilton, and I saw the show in Chicago in June of 2017. In addition to the cast recording, the Hamilton Mixtape was released in December of 2016 as further creative insights into shared history. In the mixtape, hip hop and pop artists are covering tracks from the show and remixing pieces that were cut from the production.

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Much like the intro on the Hamilton Mixtape, the way that race has been handled within American Christianity is not as simple as a John Trumbull painting.

For those who may be unaware (as I was before the release of the Hamilton Mixtape), John Trumbull painted notable scenes throughout the Revolutionary War. One of his most celebrated works is the painting of the Declaration of Independence. While it looks nice and seems like everything easily came together to start a new nation, further research into the time period proves that the process was anything but nice and easy.

This is similar to my history knowledge - or, previously, my lack thereof. 

I knew it couldn't have been easy or simple to handle the constant pressure and tension of race within the history of American Christianity. But, I don't think I was aware of how difficult it has been for people of color to remain in a religion that was written by men in the middle east, yet it has been studied deeply and loudly by white men in western contexts who manipulate the text to what would benefit them.

I'm not so sure that much has changed.

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During the fall 2017 semester, I was enrolled in a hybrid class of Biblical Literature 1 and Church at Worship: Preaching with Dr. Danna Nolan Fewell and Dr. Gary V. Simpson. For the third sermon of the course, I was creating a written sermon based on Isaiah 43:1-7 NRSV. I unintentionally referenced older commentaries which did not include any specific information about the third and fourth verses, so I left them as is.

My sermon was focusing on the literal and metaphorical exile of modern people groups who are marginalized, with an intended focus on people of color in relation to Black Lives Matter and the fear of diversity. I wrote that God cares for God's people.

I was genuinely shocked to receive my graded feedback which stated that these verses have been used to intentionally exclude people (especially people of color by referencing Egypt, Ethiopia, and Saba - locations in Africa) which is the exact opposite direction of my sermon. I had no idea that these verses were used against people of color, despite spending half of my childhood in a multi-ethnic church environment.

After I thought about it, duh, of course it made sense. These verses are extremely exclusionary, and I chose to not see it.

I still have much to learn.

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Many texts throughout both the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Testament include specific references or casual nods to slaves, servants, and others who are treated as unequal. Rather than the collection of books as a unifying story with a solo narrative of uplifting positivity (as many people have tried to market the Bible to me throughout my life), I now see that these books are filled with various genres for varied audiences. Scholarly research shows that scripture has historically been used by people in power to promote those same people in power.

Here's a pretty sad thing I have learned: the early Christian texts - including the Christian Testament books - never specifically call against slavery. Never.

There are casual references to slavery throughout the texts, including both the gospels and the epistles, and no one ever says anything against it. Of course, it would be super anachronistic to apply these to an American Christian context and say that the texts are racist. Slavery and race - a social construct - were not directly linked until slavery began in America. But, it doesn't look good from the biblical perspective.

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More specifically, the one chapter that is known as the book of Philemon has been used regarding the debates over slavery within the church.

There are three big characters in the text:

Paul, the writer of the epistle / literal prisoner according to the letter

Philemon, a slave owner

Onesimus, slave to be returned to Philemon

The name "Onesimus" means useful, so it's *possible* that the whole thing is a misunderstanding and that Paul is simply telling a story in this letter that is undisputed in authorship. But, what if he's not?

The passage uses manipulative language in order for Paul to assert control on Philemon who then controls Onesimus. Slavery is used repeatedly as a theological model for obedience. For example, in another undisputed letter by Paul, Ephesians 6:5 instructs slaves to obey masters just as followers of Jesus would obey Christ.

This collapse between the two is extremely harmful. Paul totally feeds into this support of slavery and never specifically denounces it; he absolutely could have done in the text if historical Paul believed that slavery was wrong.

The influence of not denouncing slavery has continued throughout the history of the United States. John Henry Hopkins, a former Episcopal Bishop in Vermont, published a book in which he said there is no scriptural basis to end slavery. He wasn't incorrect.

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I was at the Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C. in March, and there was an exhibit on the beloved hymn, Amazing Grace. The exhibit included information about the lyricist, John Newton, who worked on slave ships prior to writing the famed song.

The song includes melodies that are typical of slave spirituals which shows how easily people in power - in this case, a white man - have appropriated culture that is not their own.

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In Eddie Glaude's book, Exodus! Religion, Race, and Nation in Early Nineteenth-Century Black America, the scholar relates the struggle of racism with the exilic periods in the Hebrew Bible. He discusses how Christianity was something that many black Americans adopted, but it came with conditional aspects.

Glaude writes, “Black evangelicals had to come to terms with the fact that early Christian evangelicalism was, to some extent, complicitous with slavery and white supremacy. Many of its proponents assumed the inferiority of black people…What meaning could Christianity have for them if the religion was, as it was assumed, a white man’s religion?”

If a religion has the power to support oppression, why would those who are oppressed choose to stay in it? That's a question that I struggle with, and I have found some hope in reframing the story through the writing and theology of Rev. Dr. James H. Cone.

Cone, a leader in black liberation theology throughout his lifetime (and likely a leader posthumously because of his deep legacy left behind in his recent death), writes in God of the Oppressed - one of my favorite books from this semester - that Jesus is black.

He says, "Christ’s blackness is both literal and symbolic. His blackness is literal in the sense that he truly becomes One with the oppressed blacks, taking their suffering as his suffering and revealing that he is found in the history of our struggle, the story of our pain, and the rhythm of our bodies…The least in America are literally and symbolically present in black people."

To see Jesus as one who suffers alongside humanity is a way to find hope in the struggle and to see liberation as something that is actually accessible on earth.

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This is not to say that Cone flew in to save the day or that there have never been issues within the "black American church."

I think of the split between Historic St. George United Methodist Church (the oldest UMC in the United States) and what is now known as Mother Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church (the creation of the first national black protestant denomination) in Philadelphia. I think of how those original leaders who caused the split were courageous, yet they also withheld Jarena Lee from preaching because of being a woman.

I think of how Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, and Philando Castille should still be alive today. I think of how black women are even further oppressed because of their intersectionality of race and gender.

I think of how there is not a solution to our problems of the past and how those problems further perpetuate our current issues of racism. The work is not complete, but I have a glimmer of hope for liberation to come for all.

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Like in Hamilton, the stories that become prominent depend on who tells them.

In regards to how race has been handled through the history of American Christianity, will we tell it as something simple like, "Burr shot Hamilton," or will we look deeper into history and realize the legacy that lives if we are willing to study more?

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For my class in Biblical Literature 2 with Dr. Althea Spencer-Miller this semester, I am producing a series of videos on biblical interpretations with Brinna Kolitz. For our final video of Riding in Cars with Theo Students, we covered modern applications of racialized Christian Testament texts with PhD student abby mohaupt.

Enjoy!  (You should watch the entire mini-series for an idea of how much we believe in the feminist movement, how hilarious we can be, or - you know, strictly educational things - how we have developed our biblical interpretations to this point.)

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Thanks for joining me on the blog today. I felt like I had mind-blowing experiences in this class, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn more and engage in classroom discussions. This is something that I care about, but I had limited prior knowledge. I have so much to share, and I tried to limit it to some key points.

I recognize that I am approaching the topic from a growing-in-scholarly-work perspective. I also recognize that I am a white woman of upper middle class upbringing which brings a great deal of privilege and power. I do not claim to know the experiences of those who are different than me, but I do hope to share some of what I have learned.

Did you learn anything new? Have you read other interpretations of any information that I presented here? Are you interested in reading more academic work? I would love to hear from you with your thoughts on this piece.

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Bibliography available upon request.

You Will Be Found

The second semester of my Master of Divinity program at Drew Theological School is quickly coming to a close. It is astonishing how fast this journey has started, and I am amazed that I have nearly earned 1/3 of a master's degree.

A master's degree in theology.

Whoa.

I thought if I ever went back to school, I would further study education (as I had intended at various times over the past decade). And yet here I am.

As I think through all that I have experienced - the people and the classes and the mental reframing and the living into who I am and the courage and the fear and the fearful courage and the activism and the community and the humans who push me to do more good things - I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the patience of professors, colleagues, and close friends. I have experienced so much theological change, and yet I am still becoming.

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Near the beginning of the fall semester, I attended a chapel service in which previous plans had fallen through and the plans were changed at the last moment to focus on and sing about breath. I distinctly remember sitting with people who I thought were cool and who I now deeply admire and call friends. I struggled to focus on my breath because I was feeling such anxiety that I didn't have any capacity to control.

At today's chapel service - the penultimate service of this semester - we sang the same song as at  chapel at the beginning of the fall semester about breath. Today was another chapel service in which plans fell through, this time in the form of a broken projector.

In addition to singing about breath today, we sang No Longer Slaves. I have vivid memories of singing this song while playing my guitar with friends from Illinois and feeling that same anxiety. I felt as if I couldn't truly sing the lyrics, "I'm no longer a slave to fear," because I felt captive to that unexplainable and knowingly ridiculous fear manifested through anxiety.

That's kind of a thing with mental health: I know logically that my fears and worries and depression and anxiety are unnecessary and unjustified. In ways in which I wish it wouldn't, the feelings persist.

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For years, I would tell myself that I just needed to pray more and it would go away. If I could "get closer to God," then maybe I would do something right and I would magically have this feeling solved. I find nothing wrong with inspiring pieces from biblical scripture that are anti-fear, but the verses can be misused when scripture is seen as a treatment to humans rather than as symbolically divine words.

We find the following in Deuteronomy 31:6 HCSB: "Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you; [God] will not leave you or forsake you."

That's genuinely great. Be strong. Be courageous.

That just isn't a medicine for mental health, though.

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Upon moving and changing my entire life and finding new courses in which to follow on this quest through living, I had to confront my anxiety. Rather, my anxiety confronted me with panic attacks in class and anxiety that held me back from speaking in class or speaking my truth with friends.

Nervous, terrified, and filled with more unexplained anxiety, I approached the health center on campus and took the steps to begin receiving counseling. I have been going since October. It certainly hasn't cured me and I don't expect anything to ever completely remove it from my life, but I have processes to go through when anxiety is heightened, and I can determine the signs of depressive behaviors. I have better techniques in having difficult conversations, and I have a place where I spend an hour most weeks to talk about the things that bring unresolved trauma and the things that bring new fears.

I have space to let my mind ramble through the words that come out of my mouth. I have space to share the things that I don't want to say elsewhere or the things that I want to say elsewhere but can't find the courage to say aloud. I have space to just be.

I recognize that these mental health struggles are not bad. I accept that this is a part of who I am, and it is something that I deal with every day. This is me, and it is not something that I beat myself up about; rather, it is only one part of my identity.

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I have tried to be a champion for mental health for the past few years. I would encourage former students and youth group kids to seek counseling or therapy to talk about the personal and interpersonal issues that bother them. I would seek out the kids whose anxiety was physically present to let them know that they are not alone and that it's not all of who they are. I have stood against using the word crazy to mean silly, and I have hated the use of anxious as excited. I would encourage others to seek help, but I wouldn't help myself for so long until I could not ignore the need to confront and accept this one piece of me.

When I finally took the leap to seek out counseling and when I finally felt as if I was in a place in which I could trust people in my new life, I could recognize the good. Counseling has been so good and so hard and so needed. I have much more to work through to get to where I want to be (specifically speaking in class more often, feeling comfortable making music in / with crowds of people, becoming more at ease with the idea of performing again, finding a controlled verbal speed when speaking personally and professionally), but I do see so much progress in the past few months.

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I was talking to a colleague yesterday who said that he was worried about an upcoming appointment. We have struggled to communicate in the past (and I'm not naturally a very pastoral-care-kind-of-person), but I took this as a time to share some tips with him. I offered the suggestion to focus on breathing - funny how that comes back to play, right? - while calling out the feeling.

*Breathe in*
"I'm feeling anxiety."
*Breathe out*
"I'm feeling anxiety."
*Breathe in*
"I'm feeling anxiety."
*Breathe out*
"I'm feeling anxiety."

He told me today that it didn't help him, but at least I tried. The colleague asked if I was a psych major in undergrad, and I said, "No, I just have a jacked up brain." We have opportunities daily to normalize and destigmatize mental health.

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I get that aspects of these mental health things, for me, are just parts of my personality type(s).

I am an Enneagram 3 which means that I am an achiever; I have the basic fear of being worthless and the basic desire to feel valuable and worthwhile. I am motivated to be affirmed, to distinguish myself from others, to be admired, and to impress others. I have the lost message that I am loved for myself. I need someone not to say, "I love you," but instead to truly mean, "You are loved as you are." It's almost sickening how accurate this is which is why I first reacted by hating the Enneagram before moving into more of a place of acceptance.

I am an INTJ for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator which stands for introverted, intuitive, thinking, and judgment. This means that I am contradictory, I highly value alone time, I am often seen as difficult to understand, I do not heavily rely on emotions, and I am highly perfectionist in nature. These aren't necessarily bad things. They are simply who I am and the traits that I am working with through life. And that's ok.

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My life has certainly been changed. I never expect to not deal with mental health anymore, but I have much more clarity and more strength. I can claim the phrase, "I'm no longer a slave to fear." I have ways out to see past the murkiness and find some clarity.

In my apartment with the coolest set of roommates who anyone could ever find, we have a sign in our living room space which we often quote as a joke. But, it has true meaning. "Speak the truth even if your voice shakes."

My voice is shaking. I'm not fully clear. I have much to work on, but I am closer to speaking the truth than I was before. I take a new step every day to be brave by simply approaching life.

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I believe I have heard it said by many writer friends that one shouldn't tell stories which they are still living. They need to move past The Big Thing before they are ever able to approach it to write about something publicly. I get that, and I so value their wisdom.

I will never be done with this personal work, but I am at a place where sharing it isn't as scary as it was before. I'm speaking my truth. This is my life with mental health struggles, and it's not something to feel sorry for me about. It just is.

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Dear Evan Hansen, a musical that opened on Broadway in 2016, is honest about mental health issues. I have not yet seen the show (dude, tickets are freaking expensive!), and I struggle to get through the cast recording because it's mentally weighty. 

One song - You Will Be Found - particularly stands out to me, though, as one which helps through the weariness.

"Well, let that lonely feeling wash away

Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be ok

'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand

You can reach out your hand

...

There's a place where

We don't have to feel unknown

And every time that you call out

You're a little less alone

...

You are not alone

...

You will be found"

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Let us go out into that difficult place of being uncomfortable but uncovering our truths. Let us help others along the way who need a hand to reach out to them. Let us live in a way that people will feel a little less alone. Let us encourage courage alongside those who we love and those who we strive to love. 

You are not alone.

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Thanks for joining me today on the journey. It's been a few weeks since I've been up on the blog. I never totally wrapped up the Lent series, and I'll eventually (have time to) get more up about that.

There will always be more things to say, and I'm trusting for now that I'll go forth with God by "raising courage when we're shrinking, finding scope for faith begun," as found in Come and Find the Quiet Center.

Week 4 of Lent: A time to walk out

I have a bit of a confession to make. Cue Usher's Confessions, Pt. II because that is who I am as a person with pop music and Broadway showtunes in my head at all times.

I had planned not to strictly sacrifice anything for Lent but to take up blogging each week. Aaand I didn't do it last week. I was on spring break, and - as my inability to easily return to classes has proven - I had what I am calling Spring Break Brain. It's a thing where I just can't even. Very specific diagnosis.

So, I didn't blog last week despite having a million topics in my mind, but you can catch up on the series by starting with my Ash Wednesday post.

Sometimes things are a bit more difficult and a bit more sensitive about which to talk and write and discuss. This week, the issue of gun violence is heavy on my heart.

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Six years ago, the shooting of Trayvon Martin shook up my world. I thought of how often I had walked around with my hoodie up and with candy and a bottle of sweet tea in my hand. Yet, I was never murdered as an innocent teenager. I had never before considered a life in which my country would allow the murders of people of color or mass murders in public locations, but that is what has followed.

Four years ago, the shooting of Michael Brown was literally close to home as it took place in Ferguson, MO which is exactly 152 miles from my hometown. I was nearby as the protests caused an uproar of activity over the injustice in the suburbs of St. Louis.

Two years ago, the shooting of Philando Castile was an astonishment when he was fatally shot during a traffic stop. I was pulled over for speeding this past weekend and released with only a written warning, yet he doesn't get to continue living because of bullet wounds.

On January 23, a student at Marshall County High School in Benton, KY killed two students and injured others when he brought a weapon to school. This incident that happened 55 miles from that same hometown which felt so close to Ferguson affected me, as I know some current and former students of the school. I was worried about them and their safety while grieving the losses of the families who did not have a child come home from school that day.

On February 14, a former student at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL murdered seventeen students. When I first heard the news, I was almost insensitive to the event because I was and am still dealing with the loss of lives at Marshall County. The survivors of Stoneman Douglas have worked together well to speak out against gun violence, and I continue to assert that wise teenagers who use their collective power well are my favorite.

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This has to stop. I dream of a day in which mass shootings and any form of violence against others are a moment of the past and not a frequent occurrence of which to become desensitized.

I don't have all of the answers. I barely have any answers. I know that guns can be used for good to provide for families and to be used for sport, but they have to stop being used for murder. I can't allow myself to be silent about it again as a position of privilege.

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Tomorrow, students are calling for a national school walk out at 10:00 a.m. local time.

Honestly, I wasn't going to participate when the initial news of the walk out was spread just days after the shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School. I don't have a class on Wednesday mornings, and that is typically time that I spend alone to recharge which would be especially useful in the week following spring break. It would be much easier to forget about it and stay in bed a few extra minutes. My sister, a freshman in high school, called me out on this laziness and lack of care.

Why would I stay in bed and not participate in a walk out?

Why wouldn't I take action against an issue that could just as easily affect my sister as gun violence has affected too many other families in the United States?

Why wouldn't I take action to stand for my former students who could end up as the next national news story?

Why wouldn't I take action on the campus where I am a graduate student in a theological school where I could be the next victim?

Why wouldn't I?

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Tomorrow, I will be part of Enough: National School Walk Out at Drew University in Madison, NJ. I am proud to be part of the Theological Student Association which has partnered with the undergraduate College of Liberal Arts to host the event. I am proud to be part of a seminary institution in which the deans have given their full support of this activism. I am now proud to take part in this event, and I ask:

Why wouldn't you?

Week 3 of Lent: Raising nonviolent action

Welcome back, friends. In the ongoing series throughout the season of Lent in 2018, I am fostering conversations regarding topics of importance in my life. If you missed last week's feminist conversation, be sure to check it out and add to the dialogue taking place on Facebook.

Last week, I was part of planning and executing a worship service regarding the act of Jesus Christ taking up the cross. The topic was paired alongside the issue of taking up the cross alongside people who are incarcerated. Mass incarceration is a profit-making movement within the United States, and it is something that continues to baffle me. I don't understand why isolation is chosen as punishment over rehabilitation and social productivity. As with many other parts of my life, I have more questions than I have answers.

Amid all of the questions, I am sure about something: I have to take action. For some, this means working through prison ministry programs. For others, this means marching, protesting, and contacting legislators.

I want to be intentional about reaching out to a family member who is incarcerated. I received the address for my family member last week, and I need to follow up on sending mail soon. Someone has to start making change. It might as well be me.

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In 1964, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. visited the campus of Drew University where I am currently enrolled as a student at the Theological School. His speech from that event can be read here, and it can be listened to here.

As part of last week's worship service, I worked on the liturgy with friends. We were inspired by the nonviolent action encouraged by Dr. King's speech from 54 years prior, and his words became the basis of our litany. I invite you to read through the sacred words that follow.

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Litany 1

One:
For some strange reason,

Many:
I can never be what I ought to be

One:
Until you are what you ought to be,
and you can never be what you ought to be

Many:
Until I am what I ought to be.

One:
They say wait on time.
And so it is necessary for us
to help time and forever realize:

Many:
The time is always right to do right.

One:
And only when the people themselves
begin to act are these rights
which are written on paper given life blood.

Many:
Nonviolent direct action is necessary.

One:
I am still convinced
that the most potent weapon available
to oppressed people in their struggle
for freedom and human dignity
is nonviolent resistance.

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Litany 2

One:
The love ethic can stand at the center of a nonviolent movement.

Many:
It is the love of God operating in the human heart.

One:
It is nonsense to urge oppressed people to love their oppressor in an affectionate sense.

Many:
It is the love of God operating in the human heart.

One:
It is an overflowing love that seeks nothing in return.

Many:
It is the love of God operating in the human heart.

One:
Love is understanding, creative, redemptive good will for all.

Many:
It is the love of God operating in the human heart.

One:
No section of our country
can boast of clean hands
in the area of siblinghood.
No individual can live alone,
no nation can live alone.
We are interdependent.

Many:
“But let justice roll down like waters,
and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.”
Amos 5:24 CEB

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Dr. King's speech reminds me of "The Human Heart" from Once on This Island, an excellent musical that is currently on Broadway. I can't deny the interconnected nature of all people, just as I can't deny God's love for all. In whatever way is best for you, just do something.

Week 2 of Lent: A feminist conversation

I would like to tell a series of stories, and I invite you in to appreciate them. I learned early in undergrad classes that a course titled ____ Appreciation (music, art, theatre, etc.) was not appreciation in the sense of gratitude but in a line of understanding. If nothing else, you're invited to understand and hear my stories, as I hope you always are when I tell them in person or online.

If we were face to face, I would love to peacefully talk about this on the couches in the tiny living room of my townhouse. You would knock at the door, my roommates and I would try to remember whether or not we had invited over anyone (people are welcome at any time, so we wouldn't turn you away otherwise), and you would be invited into our shared space.

I would probably finish up with whomever I'm texting or whatever project is going on through my phone or laptop. We would offer a cup of water, some tea, whatever you enjoy. We might end up playing games or watching the Olympics, but for the most part, we would share our stories.

I hope we can find that here in this space, too.

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Via Snapchat, a conversation held recently with someone who I have known for nearly 10 years through community theatre

Me: *posts picture of a theological feminist book to my story*
Friend: I've never seen a Christian who is more of a feminist than you.
Me: Thank you, I think??
Friend: *laughing emoji*

I genuinely don't know what is funny about this, and I was alarmed that I am the most feminist Christian who this friend knows. I can think of plenty of people who are much more aligned with the feminist movement as a whole than I am, and I am grateful for the people who have influenced me thus far so I could reach this position in order to maybe influence others.

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An abridged conversation with a professor regarding a publication

Professor: These women made a devotional, but the man who put it together broke copyrights on something.
Me: Why was a man in charge of putting together a women's devotional?

It's not that I hate men. I truly don't (and I am a heterosexual who is attracted to men, in case you're wondering). I know some great dudes who are mutually respectable and who strive to give away their power and privilege.

But, like, why couldn't a capable woman do the work that a man did incorrectly?

I just want to be like Wonder Woman and smash the patriarchy.

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This evening, I was in a class that meets online. A few of my colleagues and I gather in person to attend class on our laptops while sitting together in a sense of community. There was a momentary glitch without the professor, and after a few quiet minutes, I asked those in the room if we should proceed as we typically do. I commented that I was the accidental leader because I didn't ask for it but I ended up in this position, and I said that it seems to happen often in life. My friends assured me that I should follow through with suggesting temporary leadership to my classmates, and we moved forward. Everything seemed fine.

After class ended, a student (who I had engaged with in a very good conversation during class) said, "Ah, you're always so bossy! Isn't she bossy? She's bossy!" I assured him that was not my intention with the affirmation of my friends, and he continued to say that I am bossy.

He left the room, and I slammed both of my hands on the table while saying, "I AM SO DONE WITH SEXISM."

Bossy is often negatively attributed to women in leadership but rarely to men who take control of a moment. And, like Beyonce, I'm not bossy.

I'm at a theological school with an amazingly well-crafted Non-Discriminatory and Inclusive Language Policy, a gender-balanced and racially and ethnically diverse faculty, and a great mix of backgrounds and personal contexts of students, and yet sexism still exists.

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Annually since 2014, I have chosen a word of the year. For 2018, I chose persist because it kept coming back to me. I literally couldn't get it to leave, even when I tried.

Last year, Senator Mitch McConnell spoke about Senator Elizabeth Warren and an incident that you can read more about here. In referencing Warren, McConnell said the other senator would not stop speaking despite being told to stop, and "Nevertheless, she persisted."

I think it's kind of hilarious that a person in a situation of power uttered a statement against another person in power that has become a bit of a slogan for feminism.

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These are smaller issues that become bigger moments. Especially following the recent Women's March, I heard from many women who do not feel as if they are oppressed or made to feel lesser in any way. And I think that's great! But, for me, I disagree.

It could be a lot worse - certainly true - but it could be a lot better.

I see friends in marriages who receive snide comments when one of them chooses to quit working after having a child. I see friends who are single parents who are talked about badly because of not staying with a child's other parent, even when the relationship was not a healthy space for either person or for the child. I see friends who are single who are told that they need to settle down and find a spouse, said both to friends who desire a relationship so strongly and to those who have a relationship as their last priority.

It goes further than relationships. Women are paid less than men. Women hold less leadership positions than men do. Women are told a lot of what they can't do, and I am over it.

I wish I didn't have personal experience of receiving sexist comments about my clothing at work. I wish I didn't have examples of times when men received an opportunity for a promotion at work when a well-deserving and equally (if not abundantly more) capable woman was also available. I wish I didn't have people who are close to me who make remarks that degrade women.

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As I am learning about myself and further determining my theological positions, I have found myself between a few paradigms of Christianity. I was raised in a mostly traditional context (but shoutout to my immediate family for promoting the equality of women in church leadership, work, and home!), I strive to be progressive, and I advocate for and identify as a feminist through the beliefs of liberation as God's intention. My intersectionality among the three paradigms is a real and ever-present part of my life.

I cannot deny my conviction from God to live with a desire to share good news with all and to specifically work to eliminate the constraints of oppression that happen with women. I believe that God is one who creates all, Jesus is one who equally affirms across the gender spectrum, and the Spirit is one who lives in each of us.

I could list women in the Bible who did good work. I could take scripture and use it to "prove" my point. I could publish an informed argument against my friends with whom I disagree. But, I am not. I'm not here to put focus on the oppression against women.

I want to bring strong, courageous, fierce, funny, comforting, amazing women to focus. These are the people in my life with whom I love laughing, living, and loving. (I also love alliteration.)

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Thank you to the women in my life who have gotten me this far. Thank you to the men who affirmed my gifts, my leadership, and my determination. Thank you for being such good humans.

Thank you to the various groups of women (often intergenerational) with whom I have formed the best bonds. Thank you to the group of women who are my current roommates and my NJ best friends. Thank you to the women in leadership of all forms who prove that capable women get stuff done.

Thank you to Sarah Bessey for writing her fantastic book, "Jesus Feminist," which seemed to give permission to me when I first read it about four years ago to use that f-word and identify as both a follower of Christ and a feminist. And, thank you to God for urging me to feel so strongly about the equality of all.

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Thank you for coming over for this conversation. I hope it leaves you as peacefully as you came, and I invite dialogue to continue this conversation if you agree, disagree, or feel indifferent to the topic. Let us remember to uplift and lift up women as fellow children of God.