The Next Biblical Post

I don't always read the Bible, I don't pray as often as I should, and I fail sometimes, but I'm trying.  Some people don't even try, and it amazes and saddens me at the same time.

While reading the Bible just now, I thought about heaven.  I imagine it to be like the happiest times, so I imagined it at B-Dubs during musical after-parties (without the alcohol because I really don't think that's in heaven).  I imagined the coolest people ever, the best food (I know we don't need food in heaven, but why not have some boneless wings and sweet tea?), the greatest atmosphere, and everything happy and heavenly...obviously.  But, then I realized that people will be missing.  There are people who are close to me, or used to be, who will be missing from the party.  And after it is too late, I can't extend a late invitation and say, "Oops, I forgot to invite you earlier. You should join us now."  It will be too late.  There is an expiration date, and it's approaching, whether on December 21st when the Mayan calendar ends / zombie apocalypse happens or when I die when I'm 95.  I'm obviously adding in somewhat of a joke at the end, peeps.

I don't want my friends to be missing.  I want everyone to be there.  Everyone has a choice, of course, but am I doing enough to try to persuade them to get the acceptance to the party?  Am I doing as much as possible to make sure I'm always on the list, or do I almost waver into the area of not so sure sometimes? The answers are that I'm failing.

At the beginning of my high school career, I was set on making everyone in the school a Christian.  As I later realized, I can't make anyone do that.  It's a choice, and I can't force it on everyone...and forcing it is definitely counter-productive.  But, when I realized the counter-productivity, I gave up.  I focused my energies into other things rather than on attempting to lead others to Christ.  Yea, I post things on Facebook and Twitter occasionally that are Bible verses or quotes from Christian songs with hopes of inspiring others to follow God, but I'm not actively ministering to others.  It's the work of all believers, not just the pastors and people at the top of the lay people social food chain.

I need to take a better approach.  I need to stand up for my beliefs (in more ways than simply saying I'm a Christian), and I need to reach out to others.  I have great opportunities to do this on campus and with my friends in both real life and those who I know in real life but only get to interact with on social networking sites.  I pray that God will give me the direction on how to do this because I am at a loss of ways, though I'm sure that He will show me in time.

A bit of an addiction...

"Live from Hollywood, it's Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars!"

Those are some of my favorite words. Yes, I very willingly admit that I am totally addicted to Dancing with the Stars.  I love dancing, I love celebrities, I love tv, and I love shiny costumes and trophies. It's kind of like little pieces of perfection wrapped into a time of awesome every week...until my favorite people are eliminated, and then I hate it until I remember that other favorite people remain on the show.

Sadly, the All-Star season has ended.  My Twitter followers are probably thanking Jesus for this because I blow up Twitter every time that I watch DWTS...but I do the same with Glee, The New Normal, Breaking Amish, etc., so I don't feel badly about my choices.  I would share them in person, but no one seems to enjoy it as much as I do, so I'm seeking out someone in the Twittersphere who may like to converse with me regarding the glorious reality show. I have not yet found anyone. That's ok. ;)

My favorite couple the entire season has been Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough.  I'm a huge fangirl for Shawn.  I have loved her since she first competed in the Olympics, I voted for her in season eight of DWTS, I wanted her to return in the Olympics this summer and was devastated when she couldn't, and I was EXTREMELY ecstatic about her return to DWTS: All-Stars.  She's the bomb. Derek pushed the boundaries so much this season, and I love him for it...most of the time.  My favorite was definitely the trio dance with Mark because hello, beast mode. The bomb.

Regardless, I'm glad that Melissa won.  I wanted Shawn to win, but I loved Melissa this season and definitely wanted her to do better than Kelly in the finale (no one is buying that crap that she and Val are just friends...no one...).  Others who deserved to probably be in the finales or closer to the top than they were are Sabrina and Apollo. Sabrina is wonderful and Apollo is a really great dancer.  I was so sad when Apollo and Karina messed up their hip hop dance, but throwing a classically trained dancer into a rough and jaunting hip hop dance is entirely unfair. It's like taking me and putting me into a Latin dance without much prep time, but I suppose that's what the pros do with the celebs, so whatevs.  I still sympathize for her.  And Sabrina. Oh, darling.  She's magnificent, but she didn't have enough audience support. :( She's exceptional and deserved to go really far.  People know this "shocking" truth *wink, wink*, but whatevs. "It is what it is," to quote Liz and Dick.

So, this is a really fluffy post.  Nothing serious, but that's ok.  Humanity needs to focus on a few lighthearted things sometimes when there are mounting pressures that are always looming above our heads such as term papers and finals....or maybe that's just me.  Anyway, I love Dancing with the Stars. <3

Bucket List

Bucket List. ....which my fingers like to type as Buckey List....dumb...

I'm sure that most people have seen the movie with the two famous people whose names I can't remember. My bad, Mr. Famous Guys.

I've decided to make a bucket list. As far as I know, I don't have cancer nor anything else that would cause the need to make a list of things to do before I die, but I'm doing it anyway.  Bree (my roommate / best friend) and I made a bucket list a few weeks ago of things that we want to do while we live in Cape. After midterms were over, we realized that our time in college is limited and we have many things to do, so we're trying to do one thing each week.  It's a bit difficult now (and for the next few months) because there are not a lot of wintery activities on the list, but that's ok.  We're going to complete it, culminating in a 3-day trip (because that's all that we can afford...if we save our money like cray-cray) to Chicago. Woot!

Tonight, I was talking to a friend on Twitter, and I said that Chicago (the musical, not the city this time...sorry for any confusion, mis amigos) is on my list of musicals to see.  Then, I realized that I don't actually have a list, so I made one.

Then, I decided that there's no need to stop the list-making because who doesn't love lists?! Well, I assume that some people probably don't, but my friends and I like making them, so I continued the trend of the night by making a full-life bucket list.

I'm positive that I will continue to add to the list often, and I'll probably think of most things while sitting in class and feeling bored.

Some of the things are simple and known to happen such as earning my Bachelor's degree. If all goes as planned, I'll have that on December 21, 2013. Yes, I looked up the exact date a few hours ago.

Other things seemed simple when I was younger, but now they might not be; example: getting married. I'm not going to dwell on the subject, but I assume that a majority of others my age without a boyfriend can easily feel #foreveralone.  So, I hope to change that someday when God sends the perfect guy into my life who will have a relationship with me that is centered on Christ.

Another thing on the list is to perform at SCC again. This may seem dumb, trivial, stupid, whatever, but I love SCC and the Ed Center stage, and I would love to perform there again. It's going to happen. Just wait. (Plans are in my head but not yet released to the public. :P)

So, there you have it.  Others on the list are traveling things, silly things like blogging daily for a month, or going to Disney World with friends.  Visiting all 50 states and places in Europe and Australia are obviously on the list.  Ya know, the life things that I want to do.

Therefore, my dear readers who I don't know, I encourage you to make a bucket list, or a buckey list as I accidentally keep typing it.

Post 8: The Next Phase of Changes and Plans

Midterms began yesterday.  I didn't study as hard as I could have and should have, but I felt prepared. Then, I looked at the test.  Any feelings of preparedness went away.  If not for the essay portion of the literature test, I would have totally failed it.  I don't know any of my grades yet, but I'm sure they were not exceptional as they should be.  My statistics test was easier than I expected, but it still did not go well. I have another midterm in 13.5 hours and one online.  Basically, I'm ready to end Tuesday so that my midterms will be over.

Then, I get to do homework for one day of classes before break.  I do not understand why there is school on Wednesday.  I want it to be cancelled. Snow day, maybe? Ha, I wish!

I planned to study tonight. That didn't happen.  I changed my plans, but I still was not too productive - except with Group Talent, so that is a win!  Other than those Beta things and some iTunes reorganizing (I am admittedly a nerd), I did not do much.  Well, I watched Dancing with the Stars, but it cannot really be considered productive time.

Of course, I am "postponing" aka procrastinating.  I am going to totally rewrite my article from last week which has already been submitted.  We'll see how this goes.  I'm not sure how to connect the two people who I am writing about, but it can possibly be done.  I am sure that I will have an update on that situation tomorrow.

PS - If anyone ever reads this, I would like to point out that, within less than a week, I have quit looking for anyone to post comments on my blogs because I know it is not going to happen. Sad life. :P

PSS - I have had a headache tonight, so I am going to sleep after I rewrite my article.  Studying can wait until the morning considering my class is not until 2 pm.  Hopefully I wake up on time.

Post 7: "Postponing"

"What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?"

Sometimes I feel like the voice in my head asks me that.  Yes, with the really lame voice from ND and as Napoleon. . . . because in my mind, I might not actually be Kirsten.  Just kidding.

For real, I really don't know sometimes or plans change.  For example, I had planned to hang out with my cousins today - ergh, yesterday - and come back to my apartment and study.  What really happened is that I couldn't play with my cousins because they were taking naps and then when I got back to the G, I took a three hour nap.  Fail, right? Well, not normally, but I have midterms in less than 10 hours, and I haven't studied for either of them.  That is definitely a fail.  I really should be doing that instead of writing down my thoughts, but this could maybe be productive.  We shall see.

Plans.  Changes.  So crazy.  I don't really know if I should ever make plans anymore because they always change.  Isn't that silly? My high school self would hate my university student self.  In high school, I planned out everything in five minute increments.  I am not kidding.  For the most part, I stuck with it.  Now, I'm like, ehh, I should do laundry today, but I don't actually need to do it for a few more days, so it can wait.  Studying for midterms can wait.  Cleaning my apartment can wait.  Everything can wait.  So, while I'm postponing things (that sounds soo much better than procrastinating...icky word), what do I spend my time doing?  Normally, the answers are sleeping or Facebook / Tweeting / Instagramming.  You can be jealous of my immensely exciting life . . . except that it's not that exciting.

I don't know why I put off so many things.  It's become a habit, I suppose.  No, no supposing; it's a major habit.  I need to break it very soon (or somehow erase it for forever), but procrastinating is so much fun...that is, until the next morning when I wake up late, shower and get out my apartment so quickly that my hair is still wet and I only have on minimal makeup, and I look like crap.  But these are the days that I'll remember, right? Right. Left. Eh, Idk.  This is rather pointless, but these are just some thoughts in my hand as I "postpone" some more.

Post 6: Retail

What I posted on Twitter earlier: "Dear rude customers, Where I work doesn't determine my brainpower. It's extremely likely that I'm much smarter than all of you."

Hello, I'm Kirsten, and the above statement is true.

How often do we judge people based on where they work? All of the time.  Should we? Of course not, but we do.  Now, how many people show it?  Fortunately, most people try to hide it.  I respect them for that.  If customers would like to talk to me while I'm working to find out that I'm not an under-achieving individual, I will give them the time for that.

But, I get customers like two who I had tonight.

Background info: I work in a shoe store in my city's mall because I'm in college and I need a job to pay the bills and it was the first one that I was offered after applying at about 25 stores, so I took it.  Boom, there's my work story.  Also, it's important to note that we keep our left-mate shoes in the storage room in the back to try to prevent shoplifting; it is company policy, and it baffles people daily.

Tonight, I had these lovely (not literally) ladies.  One lady had a box of shoes that had a right and a left in it (though there should have only been a right), but the shoes were different sizes, so I took both to the back to find the left in the lady's size and the right to the opposite shoe in order to fix whatever box was messed up.  As I took both shoes, the two ladies were talking about me as if I could not hear them, and I overheard them basically saying that I would mess up and bring the incorrect sizes to them.

Hold up!  Excuse me.

No. Heck to the no.  I'm not stupid.  I've worked at my job for approximately 6.5 weeks which is enough time to know what I'm doing.  While I intended to fix an issue, these ladies thought that I was too stupid to do my work (which honestly requires very little intellect, a fact that causes boredom for me).

Ugh, it's frustrating.  But, instead of being rude, throwing the shoes in the ladies' faces, etc., I got the shoes (correctly), returned them to the customers, and smiled when my manager checked them out at the register.

I suppose this was a way for God to remind me that I need to be a better witness for Him.  While I would never actually yell at a customer or do something destructive / hurtful on purpose, I am tempted at times.  I will work on resisting temptation and somehow showing people that I have true intellectual abilities despite my position as a lowly Sales Associate.

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PS - Not all of my customers suck.  I particularly enjoy the kids who are 2-8 years old, kids in high school who I'm able to convince to buy shoes that aren't the cool name brand because the other shoes are cheaper and better, and repeating customers who are nice.  Examples: Last night, I helped some customers who were previously shopping in my store right after I began working.  There was an issue while checking out, and their family of 5 teenage-ish kids waited patiently and happily while the issue was resolved.  Last night, the entire clan wasn't present, but the ones who were there were kind and nice to me like before.  Also, last night, there was a couple who bought shoes and later exchanged a few pairs to get different ones.  Tonight, the husband returned to buy a pair for his wife that had been previously purchased and returned, and he was kind about the ordeal and seemingly apologetic for the silliness that they caused, though I didn't mind it to begin with.

My job doesn't always suck.  Again, not all of the customers suck.  Sometimes, though, I need to rant.

Post 5: Today

Today...well, technically yesterday.

Wake up (late), school, lunch, nap, school, edit my newspaper articles, rush to work, work, come home.  Exciting life.  Not. Hashtag not. :P

This is kind of a typical day.  I often wake up really late.  I have a max of two classes each day.  I nap almost daily.  I do some newspaper prep work most days.  I work a few days each week.  I eat...daily...quite often, actually, as it should be.  And that's it.

Isn't it boring?  When a life is like mine, it's not exciting; I lack excitement, and I miss it greatly.  With bills to pay, a life to live, goals that I'm supposed to achieve, and a necessity to move on, this is my life.  I really can't change it.

Sad, right?  Well, this is my life.

Post 4: Explanation / The Introduction

Hi, my name is Kirsten.

Pretend that^ was on a sticky piece of paper that's going to fall off of my shirt within four hours.

So, I feel like anyone who reads this needs an explanation about....duh duh duh.....my life.  Creative wording, I know.  Thank the academy. :P

So, the title of my blog.  Initials: Words.  I had another blog, but it was stupid and artificial.  I created a new one...obviously.  I used my initials for this one because I didn't know what else to use.  Also, I didn't know what I would (and will) talk about on here, so the second half of the title is simple, "My Life."  Don't judge me on my lack of creativity.  I'm kidding; you can judge me.

If you want to know why the title of my posts are so lame, I will refer you to the first one.  Boom, I suck at titles.  You should already know this from the last paragraph.

I guess I'll give a little about me for the blog creepers out there.  I love hot pink and sequins on grey tank tops that are layered with something black.  Jeans (and jean shorts) and sweat pants (and sweat shorts) are the only bottoms that I owned until I had to purchase dress pants for work.  I would wear nothing other than simple, lazy clothing everyday if I could AND if I looked attractive in it, but I'm not one of those amazing Victoria Secret models who can somehow pull off a pair of sweats just because they say Pink or U of I on them.  I envy them.  I don't know what I'm doing with my life.  I would explain further, but I'm sure it will be covered more than enough throughout the blog.  I like musical theatre, Glee, Facebook, Smash, The Glee Project, Twitter, Instagram, Hulu, YouTube, and my little sister.  I have newly found a love for The New Normal. I really miss my friends, and I eat a lot of Oreos.  Flip flops are what I prefer to wear in the shoe category.  I don't like a majority of Sperry snobs.  I like to be healthy, but I'm really slacking on it, and I don't dance much at all anymore.  I'm a Sr Beta Club Co-Sponsor, and those kids make me more happy than anything else I have in my life anymore.  I'm really confused on life, but I have God to get me through it. Jesus is my best friend, but I'm having a lot of trouble making time just to spend with Him which is something that I need to work on.  I like math, I like correcting grammar, and I like writing.  I just don't know what I want to do for forever (or until retirement).  I like complex sentences.  I like long paragraphs.  I sometimes rebel by only placing one space between my sentences or by typing Sperries instead of Sperrys.  No one should judge me on the way that I type when I'm awakening because it's stupid.  I text quite often.  I don't like being outside, and I don't watch many movies on a regular basis, but I have been working on that.  I never print pictures, so I have numerous empty photo frames.  I like zebra-printed things and sweet tea.  I always wanted to live in Chicago, but I think I would be too overwhelmed if I actually moved there.  I believe that Disney is magical, just as it should be.  My friends range in age, but I couldn't ask God for better ones.  I like Jenna Marbles videos, I used to be a cheerleader and a band geek in junior high, and I've always considered myself a nerd.  I don't cuss, I like quoting myself, and I think things should be grouped in threes.  I like procrastinating, I am overly excited when I get a lot of likes on Facebook, and I try to be really mature though I'm probably just a normal late-teen female.

And, I think that's all that anyone who doesn't know me in real life should know about me.

Post 3: Driving Fails and Such

I get lost a lot....while driving, that is.  Life, eh, that's another story.

I really don't know the city that I live in very well, so if I get off the routes that I know and I don't have any time limitations, I let my driving take me somewhere until I find my way or I realize that I'm honestly clueless.  This "honestly clueless" (I like quoting myself...) thing has actually only happened once.  I'm happy to say that.

But getting lost and finding my way?  That's happened a lot.  This could be symbolic.  Let's hope it is. ;)

When I'm lost, I really trust that I'll find my way eventually.  I don't know what it is that causes me to feel like I'll figure it out, but there's something. Maybe Jesus. He's quite awesome.

As time passes, I'm learning my way a little better.  For example, I turned on a different street to go to the place where I rent movies, and I found the rental facility rather easily.  After leaving the rental facility a few days later, I turned a different way than I had been going, and I found a shortcut. 

Also, when I leave my bank, I can either cross three lanes of traffic and endure many left turns to return the way I came, or I can turn right and wander.  I definitely prefer the latter option.  So, through my wandering, I knew I would make it back to my apartment eventually, and I did.  I have every time.  It's really quite joyous when I see the name of my street because I feel like it's congratulating me on making it back.

How much more of an animated mind can I have than to have a street sign congratulate me on finding it? Haha

So, for now, in life and while driving (except I'm not actually driving at this exact moment), I'll keep wandering.  I'll find the path....eventually....I'm just stuck in a long detour at the moment.

Optimism.

Post 2: Not All Changes are "Magic Changes"

Yea, the title references to Grease. Don't even consider being surprised unless we don't know each other.

Change has been the constant in my life since graduating from high school.  Isn't that silly? But think about it: nothing has been consistent since May 20, 2011.  I'm not going to go through everything because I'm sure that my friends are bored of my complaints and I'm sure that blog creepers (Hi to the random people who may be visiting) don't care (which is ok...I respect that haha), but it's all been a crazy whirlwind.

The changes which began in August of this year were ones that I had been looking forward to for years.  And then when it came, I was so emotionally not ready.  Physically, I wasn't ready either, because I didn't finish packing until, um, 15 minutes before I left my parents' house to move.  Crazy.

Then, school started.  I didn't think I wanted to be a teacher anymore, so I quickly changed my major to multimedia journalism and my minor to literature.  Don't get me wrong (because you probably don't know me and are making quick assumptions about my life), I like writing articles and I like reading, but really?! These things aren't for me.  I have mini panic attacks when I have to talk to new people which happens every time I have to write an article.  And although I love reading, there aren't any university classes covering Meg Cabot, Kate Brian, or Jodi Picoult's books....so I kinda, sorta, -ish hate those classes.  All of these factors combined are probably greatly attributed to my lack of purpose and happiness.  I suppose that I'm somewhat purposeful to the campus newspaper because I write one or two articles each week, but I'm not a staff writer, so they're not depending on me, and my former training / writing style is different than what they use.  All of the editors, staff members, etc. have been great at making me feel welcome, but I'm not really fitting in.  I don't know if it's the issues with styles or what....actually, I do know...we just don't click. And that's ok, but that's not a great way to start off at a university: Only have time to join one activity and not fit in with those people. :-/  It sorta sucks.

And work. Ya know, I won't comment much, but I'll say that: 1) Retail isn't as great as I oddly thought it would be and 2) I'm not too happy there, either, but it's a job, and I'm grateful to have income.

And my apartment. Ha. Well, I love Bree. And the other two are nice friends. But, again, no major super friendship clicking.

It's probably extremely sad to say, but the person who I feel like I have connected with the most is my statistics teacher.  Despite students being totally disinterested, not really liking the material herself (because she prefers normal math classes like algebra and calculus), teaching this course for the first time, and overcoming a bit of a language barrier due to her strong Phillipino accent, she is always smiling in class, trying to make jokes, and very happy.  I'll be honest and say that I feel like I shouldn't have to be in statistics due to my prior mathematical academic adventures (ha!), but I'm in there, and I'm dealing with it.  It's much better to deal with when there's a teacher who understands that I'm semi-misplaced.  I'm not literally misplaced because the class is a requirement for the MMJ major, but my educational level seems to be above all of the other students' except for a few because a majority of the other students are in the class to get out of taking College Algebra. Sad. And many are upperclassmen sorority and fraternity members. Generally, I don't mind the Greeks, but when they have an overshadowing appearance of being extreme partiers, I'm not a fan....which translates to this class.

But back to my teacher: I noticed our connection the day that she said that she liked my sequined tank top...win!  I love sequins, especially when on grey tanks layered with something black which is what I was wearing that day.  It caused me to decide to wear sparkly tanks every test day with hopes that she will grade easier (I know it's a far stretch, but I can hope...see Post 1).  Then, today, (technically yesterday), she and I talked after class.  It really wasn't about anything important, but considering the only other words that I say on campus are "thank you" to the few people who hold doors open after they walk in and "you're welcome" to the people who I hold doors open for, the conversation was meaningful.  I might actually put my stats stuff into my backpack more slowly so that I can actually talk to a person after class.

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In high school, people always said, "Get involved!"  Heck, I was more involved than anyone probably ever should be.  Want an example? I can give my regular schedule to you.  It was crazy, and I absolutely loved it.  I was quite involved at SCC, too, but I really don't have time here nor the passion to do much.  I wish that I had that passion.  I might feel better about things.

Also in high school, I didn't want to become one of those people who seems to have their best years in life during high school.  I honestly thought that I wouldn't because I wasn't popular.  Although I wasn't popular, I was happy and I did stuff, and that's what made everything so wonderful.  Yes, I know that I can't go back, and if I did, I wouldn't like it, but those memories will always be the best until something changes.  But until that change, I continue to be one of those sad people who looks back to Aug 2007 - May 2011 with a gleaming eye because of all of the great opportunities that I had that I no longer get to privilege to experience.  Well, ok, freshman year sucked, but I can overlook it in the grand scheme of high school.

Full circle.  I started out talking about going through changes and how I hate it, and now at the end, I'm looking for changes.  I really can't make up my mind, but this shouldn't be your first clue.

Post 1: Hope and Happiness

Until further notice, I will probably be titling my blogs by number because I really suck at creating titles. Honestly, I do.  Ask any English or journalism teacher who I have ever had.  They'll be legit sources.

Since moving, I've noticed that even if I text, FB, tweet, and IG my friends the same as I did when I lived near them, not talking to them in person regularly really brings me down.  It's difficult; as much as I like to tell people that IDLP, I really do like some people and wish to be around them.

Of course, I have huge dreams about becoming famous through my blog or YouTube videos or something like that. I know: not gonna happen. But I can have silly dreams, right? Right.

So, with all of these thoughts running through my head for the past month and a half since I moved, I have been wanting to blog. I don't know why tonight's the night to begin it, but here it goes.

Hope.

We all have it, or at least we should.  We definitely all need it.  And, yes, I have hope in Jesus Christ.  Always.  But we need smaller goals to keep us going, too.  Without knowing what I really want to do with my life, I feel like I'm at a loss of hope.  It seems like nothing inspires me anymore.  I feel like I have a lack of purpose.  I still have friends, responsibilities, etc., but life doesn't excite me anymore when speaking about it generally.

Until, Disney College Program. Entirely....freakin'...excited!

I really can't contain my excitement.  If you need verification on this, check out my Facebook...and Twitter...and Instagram....because I really like to talk about it.  Disney has always represented something magical to me, just as it rightfully should.  And, if all goes well, I may get to work for that magical place next fall and make others feel magical on a daily basis.  Isn't that amazing?  I get to make people happy which is something that I truly love.  In journalism, I don't think that I have ever made anyone extremely happy, and that's a very difficult, sad fact to accept.

Disney could make my life change.  I could become happy full-time and live in the moment and be ecstatic...but what if that only lasts from August to December of next year?  What if I get down there and dislike some aspect of it so much that the disliked part overpowers everything else?  What if I'm not accepted? Or, what if I talk myself out of it before I go to FL?

I really talk myself out of a lot of things...like this post.  It was going to be happy, but - boom! It became sad....probably  because I need some sort of extreme hope and happiness in my life that I'm not finding now.

An easy suggestion could be to switch back to education, get involved in theatre, or do something else that I used to enjoy, but I really don't know if that's "me" or my purpose anymore.  See? Lack of purpose.

So, I need hope and happiness. I'll be striving for it.